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Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
woah God...
Okay, woah. God has overwhelmed Michael and me during the months of May and June 2011. He really rained down his blessing.
In the middle of May, Michael and I were offerred jobs at Norwalk Alliance Church in Norwalk, Ohio. For those of you who don't know, this is my home church where my parents still attend as well as my sister. My grandparents and many dear and missed friends still live in Norwalk as well. In all honesty, when we first started talking with Norwalk, we didn't really think God would lead us there. We love our church here in Marion. :) However, after several months of prayer and situations that could be none other than God's hand, we decided to interview and accept the jobs. Michael will be the Family Ministries and Youth Pastor and I will be the Director of Worship Ministries. God's plans all the way. So exciting.
Well, three days after that I found out I was pregnant, only a month after going on medicine for hypothyroidism. Right now I'm due in late January/early February but we will know more at our ultrasound next week. And even though we lost our last little one and by my very nature, I should be worried sick about the baby I am currently carrying......I'm not. It's supernatural in the sense that I am completely trusting God with this, and I just have a feeling that this is God's hand. And as much as I STILL mourn the loss of our baby in December, I am a little grateful to not be 35 weeks pregnant right now as we move, and to not have a newborn as I try to start a new job at a new church. Thank you God that your ways are not my ways.
And, the day after we found out we were pregnant, we bid on a house. We are now in the process of signing our lives away and should close on our first house at the beginning of July.
EDIT: I also need to add that this week, also, Michael just FINISHED SCHOOL! We haven't gotten the diploma in the mail yet, but he officially is done with his masters'! Michael Bochman, Master of Divinity! That was 5 years of hard work. I am so proud of him and so excited for no more homework on days off, haha.
I would say it's insane, but it isn't at all. It's God's blessing. It's just that until now, I haven't experienced it in such a heap before. :)
In the middle of May, Michael and I were offerred jobs at Norwalk Alliance Church in Norwalk, Ohio. For those of you who don't know, this is my home church where my parents still attend as well as my sister. My grandparents and many dear and missed friends still live in Norwalk as well. In all honesty, when we first started talking with Norwalk, we didn't really think God would lead us there. We love our church here in Marion. :) However, after several months of prayer and situations that could be none other than God's hand, we decided to interview and accept the jobs. Michael will be the Family Ministries and Youth Pastor and I will be the Director of Worship Ministries. God's plans all the way. So exciting.
Well, three days after that I found out I was pregnant, only a month after going on medicine for hypothyroidism. Right now I'm due in late January/early February but we will know more at our ultrasound next week. And even though we lost our last little one and by my very nature, I should be worried sick about the baby I am currently carrying......I'm not. It's supernatural in the sense that I am completely trusting God with this, and I just have a feeling that this is God's hand. And as much as I STILL mourn the loss of our baby in December, I am a little grateful to not be 35 weeks pregnant right now as we move, and to not have a newborn as I try to start a new job at a new church. Thank you God that your ways are not my ways.
And, the day after we found out we were pregnant, we bid on a house. We are now in the process of signing our lives away and should close on our first house at the beginning of July.
EDIT: I also need to add that this week, also, Michael just FINISHED SCHOOL! We haven't gotten the diploma in the mail yet, but he officially is done with his masters'! Michael Bochman, Master of Divinity! That was 5 years of hard work. I am so proud of him and so excited for no more homework on days off, haha.
I would say it's insane, but it isn't at all. It's God's blessing. It's just that until now, I haven't experienced it in such a heap before. :)
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Growing Up...
I love it when, even in the midst of trials--whether big or the day-to-day things, I can actually SEE in my actions, the result of trials producing maturity and completeness. Being a pastor's wife is hard. But it is so amazing how God is molding me (and Michael, for that matter) like gold in a refining fire, and I am amazed at the power of God (because this strength certainly doesn't come from myself!) in me during trials. If I reflect on last summer or even a few years ago when Michael and I first started in ministry together, I would have absolute MELTDOWNS about things: conflicts, changes, uncertainties. It's almost embarassing how much anxiety these things caused; I knew it was bad when I was at the doctor (just the plain ol' family doctor) last year and she asked me point blank if I wanted something for my anxiety. And anxiety it may have been...but mixed carefully with a huge dose of spiritual warfare. I am not exaggerating when I say I was having MELTDOWNS. Ugh. I am so weak.
And yet, when I realize, in retrospect that I use that word to describe my initial reaction to the trials of life in ministry, it JUST popped in my head that gold gets "melted down" in order to be purified.
And I still have lots of impurities and bad branches on my vine that need to be pruned (and so does my wonderful husband), but I am AMAZED at how much better I handle stress and uncertainty than I did even a year ago. I am amazed at how much I have grown up and learned to be an adult. What a rich thing to gain from trials. Thanks, God.
I will end with this:
"Let me hear Your lovingkindness in the morning; for I trust in You"
Psalm 143:8
"Listen to me, victims of mistreatment. More importantly, please listen to God's truth. He has a hundred different messages to give you during a hundred different dungeon experiences. He knows just the right message at just the right time, and all it takes to receive it is a sensitive, obedient, trusting heart. Not one that is preoccupied with revenge or bitterness or hostility, but a heart that says, "Lord, God, help me right now. Right at this moment. Deliver me from my own prison. Help me to see beyond the darkness, to see Your hand. As I am being crushed, remold me. Help me to see You in this....."
Pray that prayer. Turn your trial into trust as you look to God to tenderly use that affliction, that dungeon, that abandonment for His purpose....
In the midst of all this, remember, God has not abandoned you. He has not forgotten you. He never left. He understands the heartache."
Wisdom for the Way
Charles Swindoll
And yet, when I realize, in retrospect that I use that word to describe my initial reaction to the trials of life in ministry, it JUST popped in my head that gold gets "melted down" in order to be purified.
And I still have lots of impurities and bad branches on my vine that need to be pruned (and so does my wonderful husband), but I am AMAZED at how much better I handle stress and uncertainty than I did even a year ago. I am amazed at how much I have grown up and learned to be an adult. What a rich thing to gain from trials. Thanks, God.
I will end with this:
"Let me hear Your lovingkindness in the morning; for I trust in You"
Psalm 143:8
"Listen to me, victims of mistreatment. More importantly, please listen to God's truth. He has a hundred different messages to give you during a hundred different dungeon experiences. He knows just the right message at just the right time, and all it takes to receive it is a sensitive, obedient, trusting heart. Not one that is preoccupied with revenge or bitterness or hostility, but a heart that says, "Lord, God, help me right now. Right at this moment. Deliver me from my own prison. Help me to see beyond the darkness, to see Your hand. As I am being crushed, remold me. Help me to see You in this....."
Pray that prayer. Turn your trial into trust as you look to God to tenderly use that affliction, that dungeon, that abandonment for His purpose....
In the midst of all this, remember, God has not abandoned you. He has not forgotten you. He never left. He understands the heartache."
Wisdom for the Way
Charles Swindoll
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Oh how I marvel: God is good
Okay, so I said I'd write more about my last post when I have time. Well, I have time now, on a snowy Saturday morning...all drinkin' my coffee while Michael reads one of his theology books. This entry is not going to be very cohesive, because I have lots of things to say. :) Just a warning.
Anyways, in regards to the baby that Michael and I lost last December, it was a sad, sad, sad thing. The doctor reminded me that it was nothing that I did that caused this...that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriages for natural reasons, and he assured me that everything else looks great and we can try again as soon as we feel ready. The way I mourned this baby was so strange; at the time of the miscarriage, all that I really could focus on was the physical pain, which was terrible. (Some ladies at work told me that their miscarriages were more painful than their childbirths.) This makes me feel like a tough cookie. Anyways, I was more interested in the whole process of things at the time. Usually, when babies are lost in the first trimester (when most miscarriages happen) it is because something just didn't "line up right" with the chromosomes, and I find it neat that God has built our bodies to detect something like that, just like I find it neat that a woman's body is programmed to know how to grow a baby in the first place. I know that sounds SO strange that I was marvelling at my miscarriage, but I was. Just like I will marvel some day when I have a child. I feel like, even though this was such a sad disappointment, it was very much evidence that, even physiologically, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I hope that doesn't sound too crass or hardened,given that I just lost a little life that was half of me, because a child who develops and is born, healthy or disabled,is made in the image of God and is beautiful. But our bodies are so amazing sometimes. And in a way, a lot of the peace I felt after this miscarriage was because I felt "protected" by this filter God so neatly designed. Once again, I hope that doesn't sound too hard or callous; I wanted to share it because marvelling at this whole process opened me up even more to the idea that, in a very real way, God allows us pain because he loves us. And in this, I found peace and still find peace when I tear up thinking about my perfect little one in heaven, which happens out-of-the blue, sometimes often, sometimes interspersed between days or even weeks. I felt depressed, but I never felt devastated. I have peace.
Then, two days ago, I went to a memorial service at my church for a girl at church who lost her baby at 35 weeks due to a sudden umbilical cord problem. I don't know what the purpose of her pain is and I think we are all asking God, "why?" This situation can't be neatly processed and I can't come up with a neat little explanation like I can with mine. My miscarriage feels "right." But hers, I think it will always feel "wrong." It seems like so much more of an injustice and I am struggling with more questions about why she lost her baby than why I lost mine. Yet, God is good. I don't think there is any other way to live life except for in that knowledge.
In fact, the morning after I had heard the knews of her losing her little girl, I woke up and the sun was FINALLY shining after a week of gray...and I was overwhelmed with God's goodness. In fact, my facebook status that morning ('cause we all know that our lives can be pretty much summed up in our facebook statuses...or not) said something along the lines of,
"is amazed when the sun comes up in the morning, that the world keeps on spinning, whether there is sadness or rejoicing the day before; life goes on, and it has to be lived in the knowledge that God is good. There is no other way."
And I think this is what I have learned from this whole experience of losing a baby, even if that baby was only the size of a gummy bear and probably never had a heart beat--or, if like my friend's little girl, the baby was healthy and whole and could have survived in the world if not for one horrible incident: God is good. And his goodness doesn't change because we start seeing him as "not good." His peace, which covers me and her and victims of tragedy far worse is amazing in the fact that is truly does pass understanding. When those who have every right to be angry and restless feel peace in peace-less circumstances, it is one of the truest testimonies of God's goodness. Thank you, babies in heaven, for helping to teach this to me. <3
Anyways, in regards to the baby that Michael and I lost last December, it was a sad, sad, sad thing. The doctor reminded me that it was nothing that I did that caused this...that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriages for natural reasons, and he assured me that everything else looks great and we can try again as soon as we feel ready. The way I mourned this baby was so strange; at the time of the miscarriage, all that I really could focus on was the physical pain, which was terrible. (Some ladies at work told me that their miscarriages were more painful than their childbirths.) This makes me feel like a tough cookie. Anyways, I was more interested in the whole process of things at the time. Usually, when babies are lost in the first trimester (when most miscarriages happen) it is because something just didn't "line up right" with the chromosomes, and I find it neat that God has built our bodies to detect something like that, just like I find it neat that a woman's body is programmed to know how to grow a baby in the first place. I know that sounds SO strange that I was marvelling at my miscarriage, but I was. Just like I will marvel some day when I have a child. I feel like, even though this was such a sad disappointment, it was very much evidence that, even physiologically, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I hope that doesn't sound too crass or hardened,given that I just lost a little life that was half of me, because a child who develops and is born, healthy or disabled,is made in the image of God and is beautiful. But our bodies are so amazing sometimes. And in a way, a lot of the peace I felt after this miscarriage was because I felt "protected" by this filter God so neatly designed. Once again, I hope that doesn't sound too hard or callous; I wanted to share it because marvelling at this whole process opened me up even more to the idea that, in a very real way, God allows us pain because he loves us. And in this, I found peace and still find peace when I tear up thinking about my perfect little one in heaven, which happens out-of-the blue, sometimes often, sometimes interspersed between days or even weeks. I felt depressed, but I never felt devastated. I have peace.
Then, two days ago, I went to a memorial service at my church for a girl at church who lost her baby at 35 weeks due to a sudden umbilical cord problem. I don't know what the purpose of her pain is and I think we are all asking God, "why?" This situation can't be neatly processed and I can't come up with a neat little explanation like I can with mine. My miscarriage feels "right." But hers, I think it will always feel "wrong." It seems like so much more of an injustice and I am struggling with more questions about why she lost her baby than why I lost mine. Yet, God is good. I don't think there is any other way to live life except for in that knowledge.
In fact, the morning after I had heard the knews of her losing her little girl, I woke up and the sun was FINALLY shining after a week of gray...and I was overwhelmed with God's goodness. In fact, my facebook status that morning ('cause we all know that our lives can be pretty much summed up in our facebook statuses...or not) said something along the lines of,
"is amazed when the sun comes up in the morning, that the world keeps on spinning, whether there is sadness or rejoicing the day before; life goes on, and it has to be lived in the knowledge that God is good. There is no other way."
And I think this is what I have learned from this whole experience of losing a baby, even if that baby was only the size of a gummy bear and probably never had a heart beat--or, if like my friend's little girl, the baby was healthy and whole and could have survived in the world if not for one horrible incident: God is good. And his goodness doesn't change because we start seeing him as "not good." His peace, which covers me and her and victims of tragedy far worse is amazing in the fact that is truly does pass understanding. When those who have every right to be angry and restless feel peace in peace-less circumstances, it is one of the truest testimonies of God's goodness. Thank you, babies in heaven, for helping to teach this to me. <3
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Life, Death, and Happiness
I have been pretty absent for the past, oh, 5 months. I love to blog. I really do. I'm not sure what happened. Well, I sorta do, actually kinda...
God proved himself faithful in a lot of the things I was writing about last August, and life continued to roll on. Michael and I decided we were ready to become parents shortly before our 2 year anniversary...and BAM!
Yep! We were elated, and almost shocked. We had been trying for several months (amidst me and all of my stress, yikes) but it never felt real once it happened.
Well, in fact, it was starting to feel real. We actually put up a blank stocking above the fireplace for the baby.
Then, we had an ultrasound at the end of November that showed us that this pregnancy wasn't turning out how we would have liked, unless I had my dates wrong (which I knew I didn't). And on December 5th, 2010,when I was 8 weeks and 6 days along, we lost the baby. It was painful physically and emotionally. Our estimated due date was going to be July 11, 2011.
I learned so much from this experience, and most of it was for the good. I still get down and sad about this little life that we lost, but God has taught me a lot through it. I don't have time to share all of that now. I will write again soon, because it's all really good stuff. What you mostly need to know is that, after a few days of tears and "why's" and a sadness I only barely touched but had never known, I asked Michael if he would help me take down our little blank stocking from above the fireplace. He obliged, and together we folded it up and put it away. Then, he turned to me and said, "You know what Amy? There is a good chance that next year, at this time, there will be a name on that stocking."
And that put it all in perspective. And even if we end up like others I have talked to who took a while to conceive again after miscarriage, or if we end up like those who got pregnant very soon, God is good in it all and we trust him.
For now, Michael and I have to pack for our big 2 year anniversary get-away (a month delayed) at Kalihari Resort in Sandusky, Ohio. I'm looking forward to lazy rivers, caramel apples, and time with my best friend.
God proved himself faithful in a lot of the things I was writing about last August, and life continued to roll on. Michael and I decided we were ready to become parents shortly before our 2 year anniversary...and BAM!
Yep! We were elated, and almost shocked. We had been trying for several months (amidst me and all of my stress, yikes) but it never felt real once it happened.
Well, in fact, it was starting to feel real. We actually put up a blank stocking above the fireplace for the baby.
Then, we had an ultrasound at the end of November that showed us that this pregnancy wasn't turning out how we would have liked, unless I had my dates wrong (which I knew I didn't). And on December 5th, 2010,when I was 8 weeks and 6 days along, we lost the baby. It was painful physically and emotionally. Our estimated due date was going to be July 11, 2011.
I learned so much from this experience, and most of it was for the good. I still get down and sad about this little life that we lost, but God has taught me a lot through it. I don't have time to share all of that now. I will write again soon, because it's all really good stuff. What you mostly need to know is that, after a few days of tears and "why's" and a sadness I only barely touched but had never known, I asked Michael if he would help me take down our little blank stocking from above the fireplace. He obliged, and together we folded it up and put it away. Then, he turned to me and said, "You know what Amy? There is a good chance that next year, at this time, there will be a name on that stocking."
And that put it all in perspective. And even if we end up like others I have talked to who took a while to conceive again after miscarriage, or if we end up like those who got pregnant very soon, God is good in it all and we trust him.
For now, Michael and I have to pack for our big 2 year anniversary get-away (a month delayed) at Kalihari Resort in Sandusky, Ohio. I'm looking forward to lazy rivers, caramel apples, and time with my best friend.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
God's Faithfulness Makes Me Double-Take
Well, in the days since my last entry, God has revealed himself in a way that I honestly, did not think he was going to do. He has proven himself faithful, so much that I've kinda been doing a double take on his faithfulness. You know, like when you see something you just can't believe exists and you look at it and then can't help yourself to look back because you barely believe your eyes?
I guess I barely believe my faith.
Michael and I laid ourselves out and said, "Lord, speak. Speak truth into this darkness and into these lies (if they are lies...I wasn't so sure at the time.)" And whaddya know, he did. He overwhelmed us with an answer to prayer after an answer to prayer after an answer to prayer. We feel needed in ministry. We feel like we're on the right path. I felt so bombarded with peace AND with several concrete answers to prayer in the last week or so that I literally am double-taking God's faithfulness.
Lord, bring me to the place where I don't double-take in disbelief and surprise...or where I don't even single-take. Bring me to a place where my faith is so solid and unwavering where your faithfulness becomes an evident part of my everyday life; not that I would take it for granted. On the contrary--I want to breathe in your faithfulness with thankfulness and exhale all of the things that cause me to doubt.
I guess I barely believe my faith.
Michael and I laid ourselves out and said, "Lord, speak. Speak truth into this darkness and into these lies (if they are lies...I wasn't so sure at the time.)" And whaddya know, he did. He overwhelmed us with an answer to prayer after an answer to prayer after an answer to prayer. We feel needed in ministry. We feel like we're on the right path. I felt so bombarded with peace AND with several concrete answers to prayer in the last week or so that I literally am double-taking God's faithfulness.
Lord, bring me to the place where I don't double-take in disbelief and surprise...or where I don't even single-take. Bring me to a place where my faith is so solid and unwavering where your faithfulness becomes an evident part of my everyday life; not that I would take it for granted. On the contrary--I want to breathe in your faithfulness with thankfulness and exhale all of the things that cause me to doubt.
Friday, August 6, 2010
I Wish I Had Moses' Face
So I'm a firm believer that we shouldn't put exactly how we really feel on facebook as a facebook status. Maybe some people would disagree with me, but I think it just causes drama and can be kind of narcissitic, in a "I feel like crap so let's see who comments to make me feel better" kind of way. But in this blog, I promised to be as real as I can be without being specific. What's more than that, I NEED to be real somewhere where at least some people can see how I really feel. And since waaaaaaaaaaaaay fewer people read this than read my facebook, my prayer is that it won't cause any kind of cyber upheave.
I am flipping miserable. I have been flipping misrable for months now. I am disapponited with everything important in my life...my marriage, ministry, prayer, and God (which is a book I have sitting on my bookshelf)My husband may be feeling okay, but he's used to ministry, he's better at conflict, and he's better at separating people's perceptions from actual reality. I, however, am not. I know that in 50 years I am going to be a well-seasoned, wise, discerning, gracious and fruit-of-the-spirit overflowing pastor's wife. But I pretty much suck in that area right now.
I am sick of dissention. When I have had conflicts with people in the past few years, I have gone to that person and talked to him or her about it. This is the biblical way to approach conflict. And usually, things have been solved from there. But what do you do when other people don't handle their conflict that way? Do you know how much that hurts?
I keep saying I am ready for Jesus to come home. One of my good friends asked me and Michael if we would be interested in skydiving. We can't go, but I honestly can tell you that I probably wouldn't be too afraid to jump out of that plane. If my chute didn't open, I would welcome eternity with God. I am so sick of living this life where the negative almost completely blots out the good. Now now, I'm not suicidal. Please understand me. I'm just ready to be with God and away from all sin, including my own. I am drowning. Some days I come up for air, and some days I don't. Sometimes it's my own fault, and sometimes it's not.
I just don't feel like fighting this fight anymore. I feel like God has given me and Michael peace about our ministry and God's direction is clear, but the fight is still so hard.
What I want, is to be like Moses. I'm praying for my face to shine. Right after Moses' people got done rebelling against him, Moses mosied on up to that mountain, and God blessed him with his presence in such a spectacular way that when he came back down, his face was SHINING.
I do not feel that way. I want to, and I am trusting God to reveal himself, but for now, there is still darkness everywhere and I just want to give up on the fight. This is just me, Amy, being very real. Hold your judgement, release your prayers.
On the lighter side, this video made me laugh and cry, because it is the funny, shallow, "theres-a-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel" version of how Michael and I feel right now:
I am flipping miserable. I have been flipping misrable for months now. I am disapponited with everything important in my life...my marriage, ministry, prayer, and God (which is a book I have sitting on my bookshelf)My husband may be feeling okay, but he's used to ministry, he's better at conflict, and he's better at separating people's perceptions from actual reality. I, however, am not. I know that in 50 years I am going to be a well-seasoned, wise, discerning, gracious and fruit-of-the-spirit overflowing pastor's wife. But I pretty much suck in that area right now.
I am sick of dissention. When I have had conflicts with people in the past few years, I have gone to that person and talked to him or her about it. This is the biblical way to approach conflict. And usually, things have been solved from there. But what do you do when other people don't handle their conflict that way? Do you know how much that hurts?
I keep saying I am ready for Jesus to come home. One of my good friends asked me and Michael if we would be interested in skydiving. We can't go, but I honestly can tell you that I probably wouldn't be too afraid to jump out of that plane. If my chute didn't open, I would welcome eternity with God. I am so sick of living this life where the negative almost completely blots out the good. Now now, I'm not suicidal. Please understand me. I'm just ready to be with God and away from all sin, including my own. I am drowning. Some days I come up for air, and some days I don't. Sometimes it's my own fault, and sometimes it's not.
I just don't feel like fighting this fight anymore. I feel like God has given me and Michael peace about our ministry and God's direction is clear, but the fight is still so hard.
What I want, is to be like Moses. I'm praying for my face to shine. Right after Moses' people got done rebelling against him, Moses mosied on up to that mountain, and God blessed him with his presence in such a spectacular way that when he came back down, his face was SHINING.
I do not feel that way. I want to, and I am trusting God to reveal himself, but for now, there is still darkness everywhere and I just want to give up on the fight. This is just me, Amy, being very real. Hold your judgement, release your prayers.
On the lighter side, this video made me laugh and cry, because it is the funny, shallow, "theres-a-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel" version of how Michael and I feel right now:
Saturday, July 24, 2010
When authority figures don't LISTEN to us! (and why this is not always a valid complaint)
Let's be all cliche and everything and begin this blog post with a definition from dear old Webster:
Main Entry: 1lis·ten
Pronunciation: \ˈli-sən\
Function: verb
1 : to pay attention to sound
2 : to hear something with thoughtful attention : give consideration
3 : to be alert to catch an expected sound
Ah HA. Okay, so when we listen, we pay attention in a thoughtful fashion and give consideration to what is being said.
How about the word obey?
Main Entry: obey
Pronunciation: \ō-ˈbā, ə-\
Function: verb
1 : to follow the commands or guidance of
2 : to conform to or comply with
intransitive verb
: to behave obediently
Interestingly enough, I think that we often confuse these two words. And when I say "we" I definitely include myself in that group. How many times have we said of an authority figure such as a boss, a president, a parent, a teacher, etc., "He just doesn't LISTEN to me!" Goodness gracious, I know I am guilty.
However, in a conversation with Michael, I have realized that oftentimes, when we have different ideas than a person with authority over us, and we have offered those opinions and they do not change anything, we accuse the person of "not listening." I never before realized how wrong this can sometimes be. Although, granted, there are lots of examples of people in authority actually not listening, but what I'm focusing on here is when the person receiving the suggestion considers it but chooses not to obey it because it is not the best choice.
Say there is a Godly, servant-leadership, fruit-of-the-spirit-bearing senior pastor out there in the world who genuinely desires to pastor his church in the direction that God is calling him and is genuinely listening to the Holy Spirit in his call to be a pastor. Regardless of how well this man or woman follows God's lead, he or she is bound to still receive criticism from well-meaning godly people who have a difference in opinion.
Now, what often happens (in my experience...even as a teacher with my students) is that people will often offer their advice or opinions to the person in authority, in this case, the senior pastor. The senior pastor, being a gracious and Godly person, will actually LISTEN to what is being said. This means that he or she carefully considers the advice or opinion. Sometimes the best ideas can come from other people! However, if the pastor prays about this and does not feel that God is calling him or her to take this piece of advice, he or she does not change things and continues going in the direction that God is calling.
This does not always happen, but many times, this pastor (or teacher, employer, etc.) is accused of "not listening" to someone, because nothing changes.
Excuse me? I think the better way of putting it is that the pastor is not OBEYING someone's advice, which is perfectly fine if he or she does not feel that is the best choice for his church (after prayerful consideration). Think about it: if we said "oh Pastor Paul isn't OBEYING what I told him. Nothing is changing" thennnn we would sound like we thought we had the right to boss around someone in a position of authority. We would sound like the ultimate butthead. Soooo instead we accuse them of not "listening" so that they sound like the bad guy and we sound like the innocent, unheard victim.
(Please keep in mind, I am not referring to specific cases when a church board/elders or others with due cause require a change from a pastor or leader, or cases where the leadership is not honorable or sensitive to God's calling. We all know there are exceptions to everything, so don't think I'm saying it's all black and white here).
When it comes down to it (and forgive me for sounding like a crotchety old person here) but we really have a problem with RESPECTING authority nowadays. It's like, yeah, he's my pastor, she's my boss, she's my teacher, but I still should be able to change things no matter what he or she thinks.
Uh no. I don't think so. I personally think if someone is in a position of authority, there is a reason he is there. Especially, if we are talking about vocational ministry. I know that my husband is a pastor because he received a calling from God and I can personally vouch for the fact that he adamantly seeks God's will for decisions in our youth ministry and in our home and family life. He is far from perfect, but I watch how seriously he takes the burden of authority that is placed upon him because of his position in the church. And I watch him actually try to listen to adults and students alike when they offer him suggestions and advice. He often asks for feedback, and listens to it.(He's not perfect. We both are actually pretty bad listeners in general, but I do see him seeking to genuinely try to listen to what others say.) However, listenng is TOTALLY different than obeying, and I know he has struggled many a time with a suggestion, deciding that even though it is a good idea, it isn't what he feels is best...which is indeed his decision to make sometimes. Does this mean he didn't listen because something didn't change? No. It means he didn't obey, and according to Webster, those are two drastically different things.
I think we all (myself included) need to reevaluate our use of the word "listen" in all walks of life with all authority figures. Respect and obedience on our part are called for in Scripture. People don't always listen, especially people in authority. But when they do, let's commend them for this and realize that while they may listen, they may not obey. And if we are being respectful, this should be okay with us. :-)
Main Entry: 1lis·ten
Pronunciation: \ˈli-sən\
Function: verb
1 : to pay attention to sound
2 : to hear something with thoughtful attention : give consideration
3 : to be alert to catch an expected sound
Ah HA. Okay, so when we listen, we pay attention in a thoughtful fashion and give consideration to what is being said.
How about the word obey?
Main Entry: obey
Pronunciation: \ō-ˈbā, ə-\
Function: verb
1 : to follow the commands or guidance of
2 : to conform to or comply with
intransitive verb
: to behave obediently
Interestingly enough, I think that we often confuse these two words. And when I say "we" I definitely include myself in that group. How many times have we said of an authority figure such as a boss, a president, a parent, a teacher, etc., "He just doesn't LISTEN to me!" Goodness gracious, I know I am guilty.
However, in a conversation with Michael, I have realized that oftentimes, when we have different ideas than a person with authority over us, and we have offered those opinions and they do not change anything, we accuse the person of "not listening." I never before realized how wrong this can sometimes be. Although, granted, there are lots of examples of people in authority actually not listening, but what I'm focusing on here is when the person receiving the suggestion considers it but chooses not to obey it because it is not the best choice.
Say there is a Godly, servant-leadership, fruit-of-the-spirit-bearing senior pastor out there in the world who genuinely desires to pastor his church in the direction that God is calling him and is genuinely listening to the Holy Spirit in his call to be a pastor. Regardless of how well this man or woman follows God's lead, he or she is bound to still receive criticism from well-meaning godly people who have a difference in opinion.
Now, what often happens (in my experience...even as a teacher with my students) is that people will often offer their advice or opinions to the person in authority, in this case, the senior pastor. The senior pastor, being a gracious and Godly person, will actually LISTEN to what is being said. This means that he or she carefully considers the advice or opinion. Sometimes the best ideas can come from other people! However, if the pastor prays about this and does not feel that God is calling him or her to take this piece of advice, he or she does not change things and continues going in the direction that God is calling.
This does not always happen, but many times, this pastor (or teacher, employer, etc.) is accused of "not listening" to someone, because nothing changes.
Excuse me? I think the better way of putting it is that the pastor is not OBEYING someone's advice, which is perfectly fine if he or she does not feel that is the best choice for his church (after prayerful consideration). Think about it: if we said "oh Pastor Paul isn't OBEYING what I told him. Nothing is changing" thennnn we would sound like we thought we had the right to boss around someone in a position of authority. We would sound like the ultimate butthead. Soooo instead we accuse them of not "listening" so that they sound like the bad guy and we sound like the innocent, unheard victim.
(Please keep in mind, I am not referring to specific cases when a church board/elders or others with due cause require a change from a pastor or leader, or cases where the leadership is not honorable or sensitive to God's calling. We all know there are exceptions to everything, so don't think I'm saying it's all black and white here).
When it comes down to it (and forgive me for sounding like a crotchety old person here) but we really have a problem with RESPECTING authority nowadays. It's like, yeah, he's my pastor, she's my boss, she's my teacher, but I still should be able to change things no matter what he or she thinks.
Uh no. I don't think so. I personally think if someone is in a position of authority, there is a reason he is there. Especially, if we are talking about vocational ministry. I know that my husband is a pastor because he received a calling from God and I can personally vouch for the fact that he adamantly seeks God's will for decisions in our youth ministry and in our home and family life. He is far from perfect, but I watch how seriously he takes the burden of authority that is placed upon him because of his position in the church. And I watch him actually try to listen to adults and students alike when they offer him suggestions and advice. He often asks for feedback, and listens to it.(He's not perfect. We both are actually pretty bad listeners in general, but I do see him seeking to genuinely try to listen to what others say.) However, listenng is TOTALLY different than obeying, and I know he has struggled many a time with a suggestion, deciding that even though it is a good idea, it isn't what he feels is best...which is indeed his decision to make sometimes. Does this mean he didn't listen because something didn't change? No. It means he didn't obey, and according to Webster, those are two drastically different things.
I think we all (myself included) need to reevaluate our use of the word "listen" in all walks of life with all authority figures. Respect and obedience on our part are called for in Scripture. People don't always listen, especially people in authority. But when they do, let's commend them for this and realize that while they may listen, they may not obey. And if we are being respectful, this should be okay with us. :-)
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Success at Church, Failure at Home...way to go early church leaders!
How funny is it that John Wesley actually instructed his lay pastors that they should remain single? :-)
It's probably no secret to many of you that some very great and important people in the early church (and the current church) were awesome preachers, teachers, and evangelists but lousy and dishonorable fathers and husbands. What a comforting thought!!
I have always known this, but decided to do a little research into the subject. I was kind of disgusted by what I found--disgusted, but not too surprised.
Here's what one website had to say about John Wesley and his family life:
Anyway, the intriguing answer of one candidate was "John Wesley's family life." Then, with a straight face, he went on to discuss Wesley's family, that he and Susanna raised 19 children...and on and on. Only one problem: Susanna was John Wesley's Mother, not his wife. Unfortunately, John Wesley's own family life was not so wonderful. While he was an Anglican missionary in Georgia, he fell in love with Sophie Hopkey. She married someone else. He practically excommunicated her and was run out of the colony in despair. Then there was Grace Murray, a traveling preacher who worked with Wesley in Ireland. He thought she was ready to marry him, but Brother Charles knew better and broke it off. Then, even as he was instructing his lay preachers to remain single, he married a wealthy widow, Mrs. Mary Vazielle with one stipulation: "...if I thought I should preach one sermon or travel one mile the less on your account, my dear, as well as I love you, I would never see your face anymore." He was hardly ever at home, he continued letter-writing with other women and finally she left him. The day came when in his journal he simply recorded, "They tell me my wife died."
Does anyone else see a problem here??
How about we look at what another site says about A.W. Tozer and his work Pursuit of God:
He had few real friends... ‘friends and knowing God were incompatible in Tozer’s thinking’.
He was not perfect. Sometimes he could be caustic. He never took vacations and rarely a day off. As a father he followed uncritically his own parents’ practice: his father ran the farm and mother raised the children. Often the only way Mrs. Tozer could enjoy his company and his help was to read to him while he did the ironing! ‘Tozer saw his family as a distraction from his supreme goal of knowing God’ (p. 174). (But when after six boys their only daughter appeared, he changed those priorities a little!
Nor was he a good ‘pastor’: indeed he was something of a recluse. Hardly anyone ever came to him for counselling. The deal with his churches was that he preached and wrote for his denominational journal, and someone else did the pastoral work. There’s a charming story about his arrival back in town from conference-speaking, and his chauffeur – he didn’t own a car – told him one of the elders was in hospital. Tozer said ‘That’s not far out of our way, let’s visit him!’ When he came to the man’s bedside the poor fellow was startled. Turning to his wife he asked ‘Are you and the doctors hiding something from me? The pastor’s here: am I really that ill?’
In my immature 25-year-old housewife musings, I think it comes down to this: Wesley and Tozer were trying to figure out if their marriage and their ministry was the chicken or the egg. In other words, which came first? Personally, I think they both got it wrong because marriage IS ministry. Doesn't marriage happen because you are better together, anyways? So why not apply that to your ministry as a couple?
I'm not a marriage in ministry genius by any means, but I do think that boundaries in marriage are essential for everyone, and especially for those who are vocationally in ministry. (Some of the following thoughts come from an "encouraging leaders in ministry worksheet" that I got at LIFE and I am just expounding upon them and applying them to myself because I think we really need to take these to heart:
#1: Michael and I need to realize that really, he is working for 2 separate paychecks (and so am I). One of them is here on earth...that's the one that requires me to complete special ed. reevaluations on time and requires Michael to attend meetings, compose sermons, build teams and a youth group, and also requires real spiritual formation to take place as the result of these things. The second paycheck is our "treasures in heaven" that we are building up. That's the paycheck that comes from a life lived devoted to others and embracing the fact that sometimes healthy family boundaries must be overridden for clear Kingdom purposes.
#2: We need to realize that marriage does come first in God's economy. Check out Genesis 1 and Ephesians 5. I wish Wesley and Tozer could have grasped this concept, but I don't pretend to know everything about their lives. I just don't think, personally, that being a ministry "success" is much a of a success if your family resents you. Like I said though, I don't know everything. I'm just verbally processing here, so it is completely fine if you disagree with me.
#3: Overextention in ministry is a fact of life. And Michael and I are completely fine with that. It will beat up our marriage at times, but when that happens, we must take time to COMPENSATE for that. Sometimes, we need to ask ourselves if this particular season of ministry stress is like Elijah and the prophets of Baal. God called him there, nothing super great happened, and he was emotionally beaten down and bruised at the end...but God had called him to that mission, and so I think it was good. I am prepared for that in our lives. And I know that sometimes God does call us to overextend ourselves and override boundaries for his clear Purpose. But we have to compensate for this or Satan will destroy. My personal problem does not come with the overextending or overriding boundaries, it comes when people don't understand the times when we are compensating. When we make time for our marriage, our family, and our own individual spiritual rest and renewal.
**To be very honest and vulnerable about this particular subject, I struggle so much with guilt when it comes to my "compensation time" in ministry. After I know I have been overextended, God is usually very clear that he wants me to rest in him and his Word or spend time with my family and love my husband, because that is a calling on my life too. I try to be obedient to this, but then someone will say "you should really do this" or they have a need that just cries out to be filled and I feel SO GUILTY that I am prioritizing me and my family over someone else's needs. Guilt is a terrible motivator, and it never comes from God. I know that to be effective in ministry we must have spiritual exercise, nutrition, and rest. And when God calls me or Michael to rest and renew our strength, it is so hard because the needs and demands never go away and Satan uses guilt and criticism to draw us into something that looks good. However, when we give in to the pressure to ignore our times of compensation and rest, we are disobeying God. If you want to pray about that, for me, Amy.....I can tell you that that is probably my biggest struggle to date: giving in to guilt and my desire to please people and ignoring God. WHIIICH brings me to my last point:
#4: Probably the most obvious. DUH! Am I easily imposed upon by the unreasonable expectations of people (especially of influence)? Do I have a drive to please everyone around me....sometimes more than I strive to please God?
I shudder at my answer to this question. Because I know I strive to please people more than I strive to please God. Forgive me, Lord. And there is no excuse, but there is a reason: I often feel like God's wrath is pretty slow compared to the wrath of a congregation member on a mission. :-) It's a lot easier (for me) to deal with the emotions tied to God's impeding wrath than the emotions tied to someone telling me or my husband what to do, how to do it, and why we are completely inept in their eyes. :-)
Dear Jesus, answer my prayer. My heart and soul cry out to you. Make me a woman after YOUR own heart---not after the approval of man. Help me not to grow weary of doing good. Help Michael and I to even now begin to set boundaries that will ensure safety, happiness, and love of you for our children in the future. Help us to be sensitive to the leading of your Spirit when you call us to act and when you call us to rest. And finally, Wonderful Counselor, may your voice ring out above the crowd as the one we obey. May the people in our lives see our hearts and may we be allowed to be REAL with them about our failures without paying the price of judgement. I love our church SOOO much, God. You know that. Cornerstone Alliance has been warm and caring toward us, and I cherish the people you have placed in our lives to challenge and encourage us. Help us to always be faithful and thankful.
Your faltering daughter,
Amy
Amen.
It's probably no secret to many of you that some very great and important people in the early church (and the current church) were awesome preachers, teachers, and evangelists but lousy and dishonorable fathers and husbands. What a comforting thought!!
I have always known this, but decided to do a little research into the subject. I was kind of disgusted by what I found--disgusted, but not too surprised.
Here's what one website had to say about John Wesley and his family life:
Anyway, the intriguing answer of one candidate was "John Wesley's family life." Then, with a straight face, he went on to discuss Wesley's family, that he and Susanna raised 19 children...and on and on. Only one problem: Susanna was John Wesley's Mother, not his wife. Unfortunately, John Wesley's own family life was not so wonderful. While he was an Anglican missionary in Georgia, he fell in love with Sophie Hopkey. She married someone else. He practically excommunicated her and was run out of the colony in despair. Then there was Grace Murray, a traveling preacher who worked with Wesley in Ireland. He thought she was ready to marry him, but Brother Charles knew better and broke it off. Then, even as he was instructing his lay preachers to remain single, he married a wealthy widow, Mrs. Mary Vazielle with one stipulation: "...if I thought I should preach one sermon or travel one mile the less on your account, my dear, as well as I love you, I would never see your face anymore." He was hardly ever at home, he continued letter-writing with other women and finally she left him. The day came when in his journal he simply recorded, "They tell me my wife died."
Does anyone else see a problem here??
How about we look at what another site says about A.W. Tozer and his work Pursuit of God:
He had few real friends... ‘friends and knowing God were incompatible in Tozer’s thinking’.
He was not perfect. Sometimes he could be caustic. He never took vacations and rarely a day off. As a father he followed uncritically his own parents’ practice: his father ran the farm and mother raised the children. Often the only way Mrs. Tozer could enjoy his company and his help was to read to him while he did the ironing! ‘Tozer saw his family as a distraction from his supreme goal of knowing God’ (p. 174). (But when after six boys their only daughter appeared, he changed those priorities a little!
Nor was he a good ‘pastor’: indeed he was something of a recluse. Hardly anyone ever came to him for counselling. The deal with his churches was that he preached and wrote for his denominational journal, and someone else did the pastoral work. There’s a charming story about his arrival back in town from conference-speaking, and his chauffeur – he didn’t own a car – told him one of the elders was in hospital. Tozer said ‘That’s not far out of our way, let’s visit him!’ When he came to the man’s bedside the poor fellow was startled. Turning to his wife he asked ‘Are you and the doctors hiding something from me? The pastor’s here: am I really that ill?’
In my immature 25-year-old housewife musings, I think it comes down to this: Wesley and Tozer were trying to figure out if their marriage and their ministry was the chicken or the egg. In other words, which came first? Personally, I think they both got it wrong because marriage IS ministry. Doesn't marriage happen because you are better together, anyways? So why not apply that to your ministry as a couple?
I'm not a marriage in ministry genius by any means, but I do think that boundaries in marriage are essential for everyone, and especially for those who are vocationally in ministry. (Some of the following thoughts come from an "encouraging leaders in ministry worksheet" that I got at LIFE and I am just expounding upon them and applying them to myself because I think we really need to take these to heart:
#1: Michael and I need to realize that really, he is working for 2 separate paychecks (and so am I). One of them is here on earth...that's the one that requires me to complete special ed. reevaluations on time and requires Michael to attend meetings, compose sermons, build teams and a youth group, and also requires real spiritual formation to take place as the result of these things. The second paycheck is our "treasures in heaven" that we are building up. That's the paycheck that comes from a life lived devoted to others and embracing the fact that sometimes healthy family boundaries must be overridden for clear Kingdom purposes.
#2: We need to realize that marriage does come first in God's economy. Check out Genesis 1 and Ephesians 5. I wish Wesley and Tozer could have grasped this concept, but I don't pretend to know everything about their lives. I just don't think, personally, that being a ministry "success" is much a of a success if your family resents you. Like I said though, I don't know everything. I'm just verbally processing here, so it is completely fine if you disagree with me.
#3: Overextention in ministry is a fact of life. And Michael and I are completely fine with that. It will beat up our marriage at times, but when that happens, we must take time to COMPENSATE for that. Sometimes, we need to ask ourselves if this particular season of ministry stress is like Elijah and the prophets of Baal. God called him there, nothing super great happened, and he was emotionally beaten down and bruised at the end...but God had called him to that mission, and so I think it was good. I am prepared for that in our lives. And I know that sometimes God does call us to overextend ourselves and override boundaries for his clear Purpose. But we have to compensate for this or Satan will destroy. My personal problem does not come with the overextending or overriding boundaries, it comes when people don't understand the times when we are compensating. When we make time for our marriage, our family, and our own individual spiritual rest and renewal.
**To be very honest and vulnerable about this particular subject, I struggle so much with guilt when it comes to my "compensation time" in ministry. After I know I have been overextended, God is usually very clear that he wants me to rest in him and his Word or spend time with my family and love my husband, because that is a calling on my life too. I try to be obedient to this, but then someone will say "you should really do this" or they have a need that just cries out to be filled and I feel SO GUILTY that I am prioritizing me and my family over someone else's needs. Guilt is a terrible motivator, and it never comes from God. I know that to be effective in ministry we must have spiritual exercise, nutrition, and rest. And when God calls me or Michael to rest and renew our strength, it is so hard because the needs and demands never go away and Satan uses guilt and criticism to draw us into something that looks good. However, when we give in to the pressure to ignore our times of compensation and rest, we are disobeying God. If you want to pray about that, for me, Amy.....I can tell you that that is probably my biggest struggle to date: giving in to guilt and my desire to please people and ignoring God. WHIIICH brings me to my last point:
#4: Probably the most obvious. DUH! Am I easily imposed upon by the unreasonable expectations of people (especially of influence)? Do I have a drive to please everyone around me....sometimes more than I strive to please God?
I shudder at my answer to this question. Because I know I strive to please people more than I strive to please God. Forgive me, Lord. And there is no excuse, but there is a reason: I often feel like God's wrath is pretty slow compared to the wrath of a congregation member on a mission. :-) It's a lot easier (for me) to deal with the emotions tied to God's impeding wrath than the emotions tied to someone telling me or my husband what to do, how to do it, and why we are completely inept in their eyes. :-)
Dear Jesus, answer my prayer. My heart and soul cry out to you. Make me a woman after YOUR own heart---not after the approval of man. Help me not to grow weary of doing good. Help Michael and I to even now begin to set boundaries that will ensure safety, happiness, and love of you for our children in the future. Help us to be sensitive to the leading of your Spirit when you call us to act and when you call us to rest. And finally, Wonderful Counselor, may your voice ring out above the crowd as the one we obey. May the people in our lives see our hearts and may we be allowed to be REAL with them about our failures without paying the price of judgement. I love our church SOOO much, God. You know that. Cornerstone Alliance has been warm and caring toward us, and I cherish the people you have placed in our lives to challenge and encourage us. Help us to always be faithful and thankful.
Your faltering daughter,
Amy
Amen.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Beautiful Dust??
I have a new blog. I guess I didn't really have to tell you this because you're reading it right now. But you should know that blogging is nowhere near to being new for me. I had a LiveJournal at the start of college (give a shout out if you remember the days of LiveJournals!) Then in the middle of college I switched to Xanga and my old site is still up and running (http://iamsweetcorn.xanga.com/). Thennnn during a time in my life which I fondly refer to as the "Years of Misery" I started another, separate Xanga which chronicled my battles with an eating disorder, self-image, and a tumultuous relationship with a wonderful, Godly guy who was just not right for me because of his own secret battles. That xanga was called my CocoonedButterfly xanga because I felt like I knew I was going to be beautiful someday, but I was still in my coocoon. I remember over and over and over and over and over again during that time expressing my concern, though, that I really wasn't destined to be a butterfly, and that I was really just a moth. This blog is located at http://cocoonedbutterfly.xanga.com/ and is really painful and raw. Don't say I didn't warn you. God used this time to shape me, but I'm not sure if my heart could survive reliving those years...
Anyways, it seems like my blogs and their titles always stem from my desire to find a healthy outlet for my thoughts and feelings during trials. My "iamsweetcorn" blog was written when I was still my high school persona (my nickname when I played sports in high school was sweetcorn). My "cocoonedbutterfly" blog was written when I was trapped in trials so that I could mature and be complete...not lacking anything (Thank you James!). Soooo, why a new blog now? And why the title, "Beautiful Dust"? Well, I'm glad you asked. :-)
I just got back from chaperoning LIFE 2010 (a national youth conference for the Christian and Missionary Alliance) and there is a song that has permeated my SOUL and keeps repeating itself:
"You make beautiful things/you make beautiful things out of the dust..."
So I guess I have become beautiful dust. God was faithful to bring me through that time in the cocoon but not to become a butterfly, per se, but to become beautiful dust. That's right: I was created out of dust--we all were. And the only reason we are beautiful is because God breathed on us while we were still dust (think Genesis) and then sent Jesus to die for our sins, cover us with grace, and make us beautiful in the sight of God. So essentially, I think that being "beautiful dust" means that I always remember where I came from (dust) and that I am a new creation because of what God did. So that's where I am in life: beautiful dust.
As for the reason for a new blog? Well, I haven't journaled at all in almost 3 years, mostly because those were times of rest and unspotted joy for me. Falling in love with Michael, getting engaged, married, and beginning a honeymoon of a life together as we began doing ministry as a couple. Which I love. I love I love I love doing ministry with Michael. It is such a strong calling on both of our lives and I have no doubt we will live it out together until we are called into eternity. So get that right: I love ministry. Pure, organic, lovingGodlovingothers ministry. I want to live my life just like James 1:27. However, while ministry is what I love, there is something that I greatly dislike sometimes (though, I think that hate is too strong of a word, I considered using it....just so you know).
I strongly dislike my husband's "job".....sometimes. To tell you the truth, I probably have more times that I love and embrace being a pastor's wife and Michael's occupation. However, I have experienced more spiritual attack, more spiritual burnout, more unfair criticism, and more realization that my character is being stretched more than it has ever been stretched before. I used to be such a gracious and fruit-of-the-spirit-filled person before we got married. Now, sometimes, after the slightest "bump" from an upset congregation member or anyone else really, I erupt. Sometimes in tears, sometimes in depression, and sometimes in anger. And I'm probably focusing more on this today because Michael's job has been so demanding lately with entire weeks blocked out for trips and his schooling. We get back from LIFE (ah-mazing) Sunday at 4 a.m. and still has church and youth group that day, even though he has a fever. Then he gets a day "off" yesterday to manage phone calls from people who need him to help them through tough situations and do his homework that he couldn't do at LIFE (though he did write a 7 page paper there) and today he had a staff meeting, a youth pastors' meeting, helped move a needy family into their new house (answer to prayer) and went back to church for a VBS meeting and then a board meeting where he may or may not have things stres him out. Then he'll come home to me, the loving and understanding wife who buys him Taco Bell and listens, all the while trying not to feel bad for myself because I wanted a piece of him today too. I feel afraid to have children sometimes, afraid that we won't set boundaries strong enough for them to have parents who are there for them.Sometimes, (and only sometimes) others haven't a clue that everything suffers, sometimes, for what Michael gets "paid for." And I do feel bad for myself, but then we fall into bed and fall into prayer and feel energized with all that God is doing in the lives of people in our ministry. I was floored just today, when we helped to move a family from a shelter into a new home, and the energy and purpose God gave me during those few hours...bookended with my morning and evening periods of exhaustion and burnout. So God is stretching me and I'm learning to like these trials because I know what they will eventually produce, but I can't hold it all inside anymore; therefore, I am blogging.
I know this is the Internet and we can't just go flailing all of our personal information and anger onto a webpage whenever we get upset or have a profound moment; I get that. But that doesn't mean I have to be fake--I've never been much good at that anyways. I am going to be as real as I can on here. I'm not going to people-please or try to meet someone's unreasonable expectations that I have to be joyful and positive all the time. Because here's the reality: I am dust. Beautiful dust, but dust. Jesus offered me his scandalous grace when he saved me, and I try my best to offer that to others, so please offer me the same and just listen while God uses this blog to continue to make me new.
Anyways, it seems like my blogs and their titles always stem from my desire to find a healthy outlet for my thoughts and feelings during trials. My "iamsweetcorn" blog was written when I was still my high school persona (my nickname when I played sports in high school was sweetcorn). My "cocoonedbutterfly" blog was written when I was trapped in trials so that I could mature and be complete...not lacking anything (Thank you James!). Soooo, why a new blog now? And why the title, "Beautiful Dust"? Well, I'm glad you asked. :-)
I just got back from chaperoning LIFE 2010 (a national youth conference for the Christian and Missionary Alliance) and there is a song that has permeated my SOUL and keeps repeating itself:
"You make beautiful things/you make beautiful things out of the dust..."
So I guess I have become beautiful dust. God was faithful to bring me through that time in the cocoon but not to become a butterfly, per se, but to become beautiful dust. That's right: I was created out of dust--we all were. And the only reason we are beautiful is because God breathed on us while we were still dust (think Genesis) and then sent Jesus to die for our sins, cover us with grace, and make us beautiful in the sight of God. So essentially, I think that being "beautiful dust" means that I always remember where I came from (dust) and that I am a new creation because of what God did. So that's where I am in life: beautiful dust.
As for the reason for a new blog? Well, I haven't journaled at all in almost 3 years, mostly because those were times of rest and unspotted joy for me. Falling in love with Michael, getting engaged, married, and beginning a honeymoon of a life together as we began doing ministry as a couple. Which I love. I love I love I love doing ministry with Michael. It is such a strong calling on both of our lives and I have no doubt we will live it out together until we are called into eternity. So get that right: I love ministry. Pure, organic, lovingGodlovingothers ministry. I want to live my life just like James 1:27. However, while ministry is what I love, there is something that I greatly dislike sometimes (though, I think that hate is too strong of a word, I considered using it....just so you know).
I strongly dislike my husband's "job".....sometimes. To tell you the truth, I probably have more times that I love and embrace being a pastor's wife and Michael's occupation. However, I have experienced more spiritual attack, more spiritual burnout, more unfair criticism, and more realization that my character is being stretched more than it has ever been stretched before. I used to be such a gracious and fruit-of-the-spirit-filled person before we got married. Now, sometimes, after the slightest "bump" from an upset congregation member or anyone else really, I erupt. Sometimes in tears, sometimes in depression, and sometimes in anger. And I'm probably focusing more on this today because Michael's job has been so demanding lately with entire weeks blocked out for trips and his schooling. We get back from LIFE (ah-mazing) Sunday at 4 a.m. and still has church and youth group that day, even though he has a fever. Then he gets a day "off" yesterday to manage phone calls from people who need him to help them through tough situations and do his homework that he couldn't do at LIFE (though he did write a 7 page paper there) and today he had a staff meeting, a youth pastors' meeting, helped move a needy family into their new house (answer to prayer) and went back to church for a VBS meeting and then a board meeting where he may or may not have things stres him out. Then he'll come home to me, the loving and understanding wife who buys him Taco Bell and listens, all the while trying not to feel bad for myself because I wanted a piece of him today too. I feel afraid to have children sometimes, afraid that we won't set boundaries strong enough for them to have parents who are there for them.Sometimes, (and only sometimes) others haven't a clue that everything suffers, sometimes, for what Michael gets "paid for." And I do feel bad for myself, but then we fall into bed and fall into prayer and feel energized with all that God is doing in the lives of people in our ministry. I was floored just today, when we helped to move a family from a shelter into a new home, and the energy and purpose God gave me during those few hours...bookended with my morning and evening periods of exhaustion and burnout. So God is stretching me and I'm learning to like these trials because I know what they will eventually produce, but I can't hold it all inside anymore; therefore, I am blogging.
I know this is the Internet and we can't just go flailing all of our personal information and anger onto a webpage whenever we get upset or have a profound moment; I get that. But that doesn't mean I have to be fake--I've never been much good at that anyways. I am going to be as real as I can on here. I'm not going to people-please or try to meet someone's unreasonable expectations that I have to be joyful and positive all the time. Because here's the reality: I am dust. Beautiful dust, but dust. Jesus offered me his scandalous grace when he saved me, and I try my best to offer that to others, so please offer me the same and just listen while God uses this blog to continue to make me new.
Monday, June 14, 2010
I May Be an Overly Sensitive, Anxious, People-Pleasing Drama Queen, But I'm Not Crazy (and other inspiring thoughts from Amy)
I feel so misunderstood sometimes, but it's okay :-).
I think that everyone is a little bit crazy, like, FOR REAL crazy (cuck-oo in the head, imbalanced, bipolar, narcissistic...etc.). So this is for the general public to read, since we're all, you know...crazy. And I say this with complete sensitivity because I work with special education kids who deal with this on a day-to-day basis in the school/life environment. But just because some of us aren't diagnosed, that doesn't mean we don't exhibit very real traits of craziness every day, especially under stress and pressure. I also know that in all of the psychology classes I have taken, the professors always tell you that you are going to think that you have every disorder in the book. This is not from a psychology book though. This is just from me!
Here are my disorders in order of importance and severity:
Overly Sensitive Drama Queen
People Pleaser (Narcissistic Type...there really isn't any other kind anyways. people pleasing is always selfish)
Anxiety (Clean House Type and Appearing Happy Type)
Slight Paranoia
Not Letting Negative Comments Ever Be Forgotten-ism
There's Always A Chance I'm Either Pregnant or PMSing So I Don't Need Another Excuse For Being Mean To You Disorder
The I Don't Trust Other Women Until I Know Them Really Well Disorder
and the famous If You Unfairly Criticize Someone I Love Especially My Husband (or kids) I Will Secretly Want To Punch You In The Face Disorder
Here is my list of "medications" for my disorders:
The Blood of Jesus Christ and His More-Than-Sufficient Grace
The Truth of Scripture and "taking every thought captive" (2 Corinthians 10:5)
Other People Telling Me That They Feel The Same Way And We Are In This Boat Together
Journaling/Venting/Praying
Peanut Butter Indulgence
So there you have it. I'm not crazy. I'm just a sinner that Jesus saved with all kinds of crazy traits. But the most important thing is that I have people around me who accept me for me and we all point one another in the right direction of the Cross and keep pushing one another that way. And we help one another laugh at ourselves. No criticism, judgement, or "diagnosing" necessary. Just love, acceptance, and encouragement that sometimes comes in the form of challenging someone to toughen up and stop being so dramatic. :-)
I think that everyone is a little bit crazy, like, FOR REAL crazy (cuck-oo in the head, imbalanced, bipolar, narcissistic...etc.). So this is for the general public to read, since we're all, you know...crazy. And I say this with complete sensitivity because I work with special education kids who deal with this on a day-to-day basis in the school/life environment. But just because some of us aren't diagnosed, that doesn't mean we don't exhibit very real traits of craziness every day, especially under stress and pressure. I also know that in all of the psychology classes I have taken, the professors always tell you that you are going to think that you have every disorder in the book. This is not from a psychology book though. This is just from me!
Here are my disorders in order of importance and severity:
Overly Sensitive Drama Queen
People Pleaser (Narcissistic Type...there really isn't any other kind anyways. people pleasing is always selfish)
Anxiety (Clean House Type and Appearing Happy Type)
Slight Paranoia
Not Letting Negative Comments Ever Be Forgotten-ism
There's Always A Chance I'm Either Pregnant or PMSing So I Don't Need Another Excuse For Being Mean To You Disorder
The I Don't Trust Other Women Until I Know Them Really Well Disorder
and the famous If You Unfairly Criticize Someone I Love Especially My Husband (or kids) I Will Secretly Want To Punch You In The Face Disorder
Here is my list of "medications" for my disorders:
The Blood of Jesus Christ and His More-Than-Sufficient Grace
The Truth of Scripture and "taking every thought captive" (2 Corinthians 10:5)
Other People Telling Me That They Feel The Same Way And We Are In This Boat Together
Journaling/Venting/Praying
Peanut Butter Indulgence
So there you have it. I'm not crazy. I'm just a sinner that Jesus saved with all kinds of crazy traits. But the most important thing is that I have people around me who accept me for me and we all point one another in the right direction of the Cross and keep pushing one another that way. And we help one another laugh at ourselves. No criticism, judgement, or "diagnosing" necessary. Just love, acceptance, and encouragement that sometimes comes in the form of challenging someone to toughen up and stop being so dramatic. :-)
Monday, November 16, 2009
Our calling? Love God and Love others?
This note is nowhere near eloquent. It is basically just a jumble of my thoughts that I need to spatter onto a page and ask you, my wise and intelligent friends, to unscramble. (This post was originally posted as a Facebook note, so all comments are on there, lol.)
My husband has gone out to the woods for the entire afternoon to pray out loud and journal and read his Bible and just listen to what God has to say to him. He's done that for a few days every month since we've been married. He really senses the Holy Spirit when he's out in nature. The woods in November are not really my thing--but I think it's awesome when he takes his days off to spend the entire time with God. So while he does that, I sit here with a cup of coffee and my snuggly kitties under a blanket. I've cracked open my Bible to see what God has to say. Interestingly enough, today in my devotions, I came across this AWESOME quote:
“Our deepest calling is not to grow in our knowledge of God. It is to make disciples. Our knowledge will grow -- the Holy Spirit, Jesus promised, will guide us into all truth. But that's not our calling, it is His. Our calling is to prepare the world for Christ's return. The world is not ready yet. And so, we go about introducing a dying world to the Savior of Life. Anything we do toward our own growth must be toward that end.”
He is referring to Jesus' last words in Matthew 28:19-20 when he tells us "go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
What do you think? Do you think we focus too much on ourselves when there is a dying and hurting world out there? I mean, what about our own spiritual lives and our own spiritual development and everything we still have to learn about who God is and how he wants us to live? I know that Michael's time in the woods is SO vital for him in ministry and my time alone just listening to God empowers and heals my heart. Sometimes I think about church and small groups and youth groups and even just our groups of friends hanging out--I love the community and I love going to church and feeling FILLED and growing deeper in my walk with God. But I'm wondering if this guy has something here: that our deepest calling isn't to grow in our knowledge and relationship with God, but to make disciples, and while we are making disciples, through the power of his Holy Spirit, we grow in our love and knowledge of him. WOW. Our deepest calling isn't to grow in our knowledge of God? Like, that shouldn't be our ultimate goal? That is an off-the-wall radical thing to say, but then, it really might be true. I'm starting to think it might almost be dangerous to be so focused on ourselves ALL THE TIME, but then again, I feel so broken and incapable myself, I can't see how I could ever obey Jesus' last command to witness. But then I remember, that God's power is made perfect in weakness. Sooooooooo even when I feel incapable of "making disciples" I should obey anyways, even if I feel like I don't know enough about God? I think the answer is "yes" and that scares me.
And while I have your attention, what do you think about the Holy Spirit? We are doing a study with the high school girls' small group on Francis Chan's most recent book, Forgotten God, about how we really have forgotten about the Holy Spirit's role in the church, ministry, and our lives today. What do you think about this? I couldn't agree more.
HOWEVER, I think all of us have misconstrued accounts of what it means to be "filled with the Holy Spirit." I think that each of us have to sense different things in order to feel like the Holy Spirit is really present. And on top of that, I think that each of us (myself included) struggle with what I would call "spiritual arrogance" by thinking we can judge whether or not the Holy Spirit is working or present based on our own biases and feelings. For example, it is widely known that I hate techno music. It's probably the only kind of music I truly hate. I hate it when they try to turn really good songs into techno, because I feel like it ruins them. So how would I respond to a church that did techo praise and worship? Ummm prolly not so well. :-) Would I "sense" the Holy Spirit because it didn't speak to me in the way that I really like--through contemporary praise and worship music...or maybe just some quiet, darkness, and a few candles? Does that mean the Holy Spirit isn't there?
What about those Christian athletes who say that when they play their sport, it is an act of worship to God? Is the Holy Spirit present there? YES. Even if it doesn't give me goosebumps and make me emotional and give me a sense that I "feel" closer to God while I watch them play with some dumb ball.
What about when Michael goes out to the woods to spend an afternoon with God in the freezing cold November air? Is the Holy Spirit present there? Yes.
What about Christian comedians who do their acts as their own form of worshipping God with their gifts. Is the Holy Spirit there? Yes.
Okay then. What about when we just do things that are a whole lot of fun...like this upcoming weekend, when Hannah, Sharon, Candi, and I will take the girls (some of you girls are reading this!) down to Polaris for shopping and a movie...where we will all be loving each other and spending time together, not necessarily doing spiritual things, but loving each other and eating popcorn and movie theater candy. Is the Holy Spirit there? I think so.
What about at youth group, when we play stupid games and have conversations and hang out and eat before and just spend time together, is the Holy Spirit present? I'm talking before we even have a lesson or formal worship time. Or do we have to be deep in thought with tears rolling down our cheeks in order to sense his presence?
I just don't know. I think that the Holy Spirit can be anywhere. I think when people take time to pray over something, the Holy Spirit will come. I think if I pray before I read my Bible that the Holy Spirit would guide me, he really does. But similarly, I think that if a Christian comedian prays before his comedy act for the Holy Spirit's presence, he will be there in the laughter, even if no one is crying or feeling goosebumps or "sensing" His presence. Am I wrong? If so, somebody please tell me.
Emotions do not equal Holy Spirit. Similarly, lack of emotions does not equal lack of Holy Spirit. Some of us are emotional and feel things through our emotions (MEEEEE!) but some of us are not. Is someone who is crying during worship worshipping more than someone who is just standing there singing the words? How can we know that or even TRY to judge something like that??? Yet we do.
So let me finish this equation. Emotions do not equal Holy Spirit. Lack of emotions do not equal lack of Holy Spirit. We can't judge the presence of the Holy Spririt through the lens of our own preferences. Therefore, the Holy Spirit could be present in techno music. The Holy Spirit cannot be put into a box. That is what I need to learn.
.
My husband has gone out to the woods for the entire afternoon to pray out loud and journal and read his Bible and just listen to what God has to say to him. He's done that for a few days every month since we've been married. He really senses the Holy Spirit when he's out in nature. The woods in November are not really my thing--but I think it's awesome when he takes his days off to spend the entire time with God. So while he does that, I sit here with a cup of coffee and my snuggly kitties under a blanket. I've cracked open my Bible to see what God has to say. Interestingly enough, today in my devotions, I came across this AWESOME quote:
“Our deepest calling is not to grow in our knowledge of God. It is to make disciples. Our knowledge will grow -- the Holy Spirit, Jesus promised, will guide us into all truth. But that's not our calling, it is His. Our calling is to prepare the world for Christ's return. The world is not ready yet. And so, we go about introducing a dying world to the Savior of Life. Anything we do toward our own growth must be toward that end.”
He is referring to Jesus' last words in Matthew 28:19-20 when he tells us "go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
What do you think? Do you think we focus too much on ourselves when there is a dying and hurting world out there? I mean, what about our own spiritual lives and our own spiritual development and everything we still have to learn about who God is and how he wants us to live? I know that Michael's time in the woods is SO vital for him in ministry and my time alone just listening to God empowers and heals my heart. Sometimes I think about church and small groups and youth groups and even just our groups of friends hanging out--I love the community and I love going to church and feeling FILLED and growing deeper in my walk with God. But I'm wondering if this guy has something here: that our deepest calling isn't to grow in our knowledge and relationship with God, but to make disciples, and while we are making disciples, through the power of his Holy Spirit, we grow in our love and knowledge of him. WOW. Our deepest calling isn't to grow in our knowledge of God? Like, that shouldn't be our ultimate goal? That is an off-the-wall radical thing to say, but then, it really might be true. I'm starting to think it might almost be dangerous to be so focused on ourselves ALL THE TIME, but then again, I feel so broken and incapable myself, I can't see how I could ever obey Jesus' last command to witness. But then I remember, that God's power is made perfect in weakness. Sooooooooo even when I feel incapable of "making disciples" I should obey anyways, even if I feel like I don't know enough about God? I think the answer is "yes" and that scares me.
And while I have your attention, what do you think about the Holy Spirit? We are doing a study with the high school girls' small group on Francis Chan's most recent book, Forgotten God, about how we really have forgotten about the Holy Spirit's role in the church, ministry, and our lives today. What do you think about this? I couldn't agree more.
HOWEVER, I think all of us have misconstrued accounts of what it means to be "filled with the Holy Spirit." I think that each of us have to sense different things in order to feel like the Holy Spirit is really present. And on top of that, I think that each of us (myself included) struggle with what I would call "spiritual arrogance" by thinking we can judge whether or not the Holy Spirit is working or present based on our own biases and feelings. For example, it is widely known that I hate techno music. It's probably the only kind of music I truly hate. I hate it when they try to turn really good songs into techno, because I feel like it ruins them. So how would I respond to a church that did techo praise and worship? Ummm prolly not so well. :-) Would I "sense" the Holy Spirit because it didn't speak to me in the way that I really like--through contemporary praise and worship music...or maybe just some quiet, darkness, and a few candles? Does that mean the Holy Spirit isn't there?
What about those Christian athletes who say that when they play their sport, it is an act of worship to God? Is the Holy Spirit present there? YES. Even if it doesn't give me goosebumps and make me emotional and give me a sense that I "feel" closer to God while I watch them play with some dumb ball.
What about when Michael goes out to the woods to spend an afternoon with God in the freezing cold November air? Is the Holy Spirit present there? Yes.
What about Christian comedians who do their acts as their own form of worshipping God with their gifts. Is the Holy Spirit there? Yes.
Okay then. What about when we just do things that are a whole lot of fun...like this upcoming weekend, when Hannah, Sharon, Candi, and I will take the girls (some of you girls are reading this!) down to Polaris for shopping and a movie...where we will all be loving each other and spending time together, not necessarily doing spiritual things, but loving each other and eating popcorn and movie theater candy. Is the Holy Spirit there? I think so.
What about at youth group, when we play stupid games and have conversations and hang out and eat before and just spend time together, is the Holy Spirit present? I'm talking before we even have a lesson or formal worship time. Or do we have to be deep in thought with tears rolling down our cheeks in order to sense his presence?
I just don't know. I think that the Holy Spirit can be anywhere. I think when people take time to pray over something, the Holy Spirit will come. I think if I pray before I read my Bible that the Holy Spirit would guide me, he really does. But similarly, I think that if a Christian comedian prays before his comedy act for the Holy Spirit's presence, he will be there in the laughter, even if no one is crying or feeling goosebumps or "sensing" His presence. Am I wrong? If so, somebody please tell me.
Emotions do not equal Holy Spirit. Similarly, lack of emotions does not equal lack of Holy Spirit. Some of us are emotional and feel things through our emotions (MEEEEE!) but some of us are not. Is someone who is crying during worship worshipping more than someone who is just standing there singing the words? How can we know that or even TRY to judge something like that??? Yet we do.
So let me finish this equation. Emotions do not equal Holy Spirit. Lack of emotions do not equal lack of Holy Spirit. We can't judge the presence of the Holy Spririt through the lens of our own preferences. Therefore, the Holy Spirit could be present in techno music. The Holy Spirit cannot be put into a box. That is what I need to learn.
.
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