I have a new blog. I guess I didn't really have to tell you this because you're reading it right now. But you should know that blogging is nowhere near to being new for me. I had a LiveJournal at the start of college (give a shout out if you remember the days of LiveJournals!) Then in the middle of college I switched to Xanga and my old site is still up and running (http://iamsweetcorn.xanga.com/). Thennnn during a time in my life which I fondly refer to as the "Years of Misery" I started another, separate Xanga which chronicled my battles with an eating disorder, self-image, and a tumultuous relationship with a wonderful, Godly guy who was just not right for me because of his own secret battles. That xanga was called my CocoonedButterfly xanga because I felt like I knew I was going to be beautiful someday, but I was still in my coocoon. I remember over and over and over and over and over again during that time expressing my concern, though, that I really wasn't destined to be a butterfly, and that I was really just a moth. This blog is located at http://cocoonedbutterfly.xanga.com/ and is really painful and raw. Don't say I didn't warn you. God used this time to shape me, but I'm not sure if my heart could survive reliving those years...
Anyways, it seems like my blogs and their titles always stem from my desire to find a healthy outlet for my thoughts and feelings during trials. My "iamsweetcorn" blog was written when I was still my high school persona (my nickname when I played sports in high school was sweetcorn). My "cocoonedbutterfly" blog was written when I was trapped in trials so that I could mature and be complete...not lacking anything (Thank you James!). Soooo, why a new blog now? And why the title, "Beautiful Dust"? Well, I'm glad you asked. :-)
I just got back from chaperoning LIFE 2010 (a national youth conference for the Christian and Missionary Alliance) and there is a song that has permeated my SOUL and keeps repeating itself:
"You make beautiful things/you make beautiful things out of the dust..."
So I guess I have become beautiful dust. God was faithful to bring me through that time in the cocoon but not to become a butterfly, per se, but to become beautiful dust. That's right: I was created out of dust--we all were. And the only reason we are beautiful is because God breathed on us while we were still dust (think Genesis) and then sent Jesus to die for our sins, cover us with grace, and make us beautiful in the sight of God. So essentially, I think that being "beautiful dust" means that I always remember where I came from (dust) and that I am a new creation because of what God did. So that's where I am in life: beautiful dust.
As for the reason for a new blog? Well, I haven't journaled at all in almost 3 years, mostly because those were times of rest and unspotted joy for me. Falling in love with Michael, getting engaged, married, and beginning a honeymoon of a life together as we began doing ministry as a couple. Which I love. I love I love I love doing ministry with Michael. It is such a strong calling on both of our lives and I have no doubt we will live it out together until we are called into eternity. So get that right: I love ministry. Pure, organic, lovingGodlovingothers ministry. I want to live my life just like James 1:27. However, while ministry is what I love, there is something that I greatly dislike sometimes (though, I think that hate is too strong of a word, I considered using it....just so you know).
I strongly dislike my husband's "job".....sometimes. To tell you the truth, I probably have more times that I love and embrace being a pastor's wife and Michael's occupation. However, I have experienced more spiritual attack, more spiritual burnout, more unfair criticism, and more realization that my character is being stretched more than it has ever been stretched before. I used to be such a gracious and fruit-of-the-spirit-filled person before we got married. Now, sometimes, after the slightest "bump" from an upset congregation member or anyone else really, I erupt. Sometimes in tears, sometimes in depression, and sometimes in anger. And I'm probably focusing more on this today because Michael's job has been so demanding lately with entire weeks blocked out for trips and his schooling. We get back from LIFE (ah-mazing) Sunday at 4 a.m. and still has church and youth group that day, even though he has a fever. Then he gets a day "off" yesterday to manage phone calls from people who need him to help them through tough situations and do his homework that he couldn't do at LIFE (though he did write a 7 page paper there) and today he had a staff meeting, a youth pastors' meeting, helped move a needy family into their new house (answer to prayer) and went back to church for a VBS meeting and then a board meeting where he may or may not have things stres him out. Then he'll come home to me, the loving and understanding wife who buys him Taco Bell and listens, all the while trying not to feel bad for myself because I wanted a piece of him today too. I feel afraid to have children sometimes, afraid that we won't set boundaries strong enough for them to have parents who are there for them.Sometimes, (and only sometimes) others haven't a clue that everything suffers, sometimes, for what Michael gets "paid for." And I do feel bad for myself, but then we fall into bed and fall into prayer and feel energized with all that God is doing in the lives of people in our ministry. I was floored just today, when we helped to move a family from a shelter into a new home, and the energy and purpose God gave me during those few hours...bookended with my morning and evening periods of exhaustion and burnout. So God is stretching me and I'm learning to like these trials because I know what they will eventually produce, but I can't hold it all inside anymore; therefore, I am blogging.
I know this is the Internet and we can't just go flailing all of our personal information and anger onto a webpage whenever we get upset or have a profound moment; I get that. But that doesn't mean I have to be fake--I've never been much good at that anyways. I am going to be as real as I can on here. I'm not going to people-please or try to meet someone's unreasonable expectations that I have to be joyful and positive all the time. Because here's the reality: I am dust. Beautiful dust, but dust. Jesus offered me his scandalous grace when he saved me, and I try my best to offer that to others, so please offer me the same and just listen while God uses this blog to continue to make me new.
No comments:
Post a Comment