Well, in the days since my last entry, God has revealed himself in a way that I honestly, did not think he was going to do. He has proven himself faithful, so much that I've kinda been doing a double take on his faithfulness. You know, like when you see something you just can't believe exists and you look at it and then can't help yourself to look back because you barely believe your eyes?
I guess I barely believe my faith.
Michael and I laid ourselves out and said, "Lord, speak. Speak truth into this darkness and into these lies (if they are lies...I wasn't so sure at the time.)" And whaddya know, he did. He overwhelmed us with an answer to prayer after an answer to prayer after an answer to prayer. We feel needed in ministry. We feel like we're on the right path. I felt so bombarded with peace AND with several concrete answers to prayer in the last week or so that I literally am double-taking God's faithfulness.
Lord, bring me to the place where I don't double-take in disbelief and surprise...or where I don't even single-take. Bring me to a place where my faith is so solid and unwavering where your faithfulness becomes an evident part of my everyday life; not that I would take it for granted. On the contrary--I want to breathe in your faithfulness with thankfulness and exhale all of the things that cause me to doubt.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
I Wish I Had Moses' Face
So I'm a firm believer that we shouldn't put exactly how we really feel on facebook as a facebook status. Maybe some people would disagree with me, but I think it just causes drama and can be kind of narcissitic, in a "I feel like crap so let's see who comments to make me feel better" kind of way. But in this blog, I promised to be as real as I can be without being specific. What's more than that, I NEED to be real somewhere where at least some people can see how I really feel. And since waaaaaaaaaaaaay fewer people read this than read my facebook, my prayer is that it won't cause any kind of cyber upheave.
I am flipping miserable. I have been flipping misrable for months now. I am disapponited with everything important in my life...my marriage, ministry, prayer, and God (which is a book I have sitting on my bookshelf)My husband may be feeling okay, but he's used to ministry, he's better at conflict, and he's better at separating people's perceptions from actual reality. I, however, am not. I know that in 50 years I am going to be a well-seasoned, wise, discerning, gracious and fruit-of-the-spirit overflowing pastor's wife. But I pretty much suck in that area right now.
I am sick of dissention. When I have had conflicts with people in the past few years, I have gone to that person and talked to him or her about it. This is the biblical way to approach conflict. And usually, things have been solved from there. But what do you do when other people don't handle their conflict that way? Do you know how much that hurts?
I keep saying I am ready for Jesus to come home. One of my good friends asked me and Michael if we would be interested in skydiving. We can't go, but I honestly can tell you that I probably wouldn't be too afraid to jump out of that plane. If my chute didn't open, I would welcome eternity with God. I am so sick of living this life where the negative almost completely blots out the good. Now now, I'm not suicidal. Please understand me. I'm just ready to be with God and away from all sin, including my own. I am drowning. Some days I come up for air, and some days I don't. Sometimes it's my own fault, and sometimes it's not.
I just don't feel like fighting this fight anymore. I feel like God has given me and Michael peace about our ministry and God's direction is clear, but the fight is still so hard.
What I want, is to be like Moses. I'm praying for my face to shine. Right after Moses' people got done rebelling against him, Moses mosied on up to that mountain, and God blessed him with his presence in such a spectacular way that when he came back down, his face was SHINING.
I do not feel that way. I want to, and I am trusting God to reveal himself, but for now, there is still darkness everywhere and I just want to give up on the fight. This is just me, Amy, being very real. Hold your judgement, release your prayers.
On the lighter side, this video made me laugh and cry, because it is the funny, shallow, "theres-a-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel" version of how Michael and I feel right now:
I am flipping miserable. I have been flipping misrable for months now. I am disapponited with everything important in my life...my marriage, ministry, prayer, and God (which is a book I have sitting on my bookshelf)My husband may be feeling okay, but he's used to ministry, he's better at conflict, and he's better at separating people's perceptions from actual reality. I, however, am not. I know that in 50 years I am going to be a well-seasoned, wise, discerning, gracious and fruit-of-the-spirit overflowing pastor's wife. But I pretty much suck in that area right now.
I am sick of dissention. When I have had conflicts with people in the past few years, I have gone to that person and talked to him or her about it. This is the biblical way to approach conflict. And usually, things have been solved from there. But what do you do when other people don't handle their conflict that way? Do you know how much that hurts?
I keep saying I am ready for Jesus to come home. One of my good friends asked me and Michael if we would be interested in skydiving. We can't go, but I honestly can tell you that I probably wouldn't be too afraid to jump out of that plane. If my chute didn't open, I would welcome eternity with God. I am so sick of living this life where the negative almost completely blots out the good. Now now, I'm not suicidal. Please understand me. I'm just ready to be with God and away from all sin, including my own. I am drowning. Some days I come up for air, and some days I don't. Sometimes it's my own fault, and sometimes it's not.
I just don't feel like fighting this fight anymore. I feel like God has given me and Michael peace about our ministry and God's direction is clear, but the fight is still so hard.
What I want, is to be like Moses. I'm praying for my face to shine. Right after Moses' people got done rebelling against him, Moses mosied on up to that mountain, and God blessed him with his presence in such a spectacular way that when he came back down, his face was SHINING.
I do not feel that way. I want to, and I am trusting God to reveal himself, but for now, there is still darkness everywhere and I just want to give up on the fight. This is just me, Amy, being very real. Hold your judgement, release your prayers.
On the lighter side, this video made me laugh and cry, because it is the funny, shallow, "theres-a-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel" version of how Michael and I feel right now:
Saturday, July 24, 2010
When authority figures don't LISTEN to us! (and why this is not always a valid complaint)
Let's be all cliche and everything and begin this blog post with a definition from dear old Webster:
Main Entry: 1lis·ten
Pronunciation: \ˈli-sən\
Function: verb
1 : to pay attention to sound
2 : to hear something with thoughtful attention : give consideration
3 : to be alert to catch an expected sound
Ah HA. Okay, so when we listen, we pay attention in a thoughtful fashion and give consideration to what is being said.
How about the word obey?
Main Entry: obey
Pronunciation: \ō-ˈbā, ə-\
Function: verb
1 : to follow the commands or guidance of
2 : to conform to or comply with
intransitive verb
: to behave obediently
Interestingly enough, I think that we often confuse these two words. And when I say "we" I definitely include myself in that group. How many times have we said of an authority figure such as a boss, a president, a parent, a teacher, etc., "He just doesn't LISTEN to me!" Goodness gracious, I know I am guilty.
However, in a conversation with Michael, I have realized that oftentimes, when we have different ideas than a person with authority over us, and we have offered those opinions and they do not change anything, we accuse the person of "not listening." I never before realized how wrong this can sometimes be. Although, granted, there are lots of examples of people in authority actually not listening, but what I'm focusing on here is when the person receiving the suggestion considers it but chooses not to obey it because it is not the best choice.
Say there is a Godly, servant-leadership, fruit-of-the-spirit-bearing senior pastor out there in the world who genuinely desires to pastor his church in the direction that God is calling him and is genuinely listening to the Holy Spirit in his call to be a pastor. Regardless of how well this man or woman follows God's lead, he or she is bound to still receive criticism from well-meaning godly people who have a difference in opinion.
Now, what often happens (in my experience...even as a teacher with my students) is that people will often offer their advice or opinions to the person in authority, in this case, the senior pastor. The senior pastor, being a gracious and Godly person, will actually LISTEN to what is being said. This means that he or she carefully considers the advice or opinion. Sometimes the best ideas can come from other people! However, if the pastor prays about this and does not feel that God is calling him or her to take this piece of advice, he or she does not change things and continues going in the direction that God is calling.
This does not always happen, but many times, this pastor (or teacher, employer, etc.) is accused of "not listening" to someone, because nothing changes.
Excuse me? I think the better way of putting it is that the pastor is not OBEYING someone's advice, which is perfectly fine if he or she does not feel that is the best choice for his church (after prayerful consideration). Think about it: if we said "oh Pastor Paul isn't OBEYING what I told him. Nothing is changing" thennnn we would sound like we thought we had the right to boss around someone in a position of authority. We would sound like the ultimate butthead. Soooo instead we accuse them of not "listening" so that they sound like the bad guy and we sound like the innocent, unheard victim.
(Please keep in mind, I am not referring to specific cases when a church board/elders or others with due cause require a change from a pastor or leader, or cases where the leadership is not honorable or sensitive to God's calling. We all know there are exceptions to everything, so don't think I'm saying it's all black and white here).
When it comes down to it (and forgive me for sounding like a crotchety old person here) but we really have a problem with RESPECTING authority nowadays. It's like, yeah, he's my pastor, she's my boss, she's my teacher, but I still should be able to change things no matter what he or she thinks.
Uh no. I don't think so. I personally think if someone is in a position of authority, there is a reason he is there. Especially, if we are talking about vocational ministry. I know that my husband is a pastor because he received a calling from God and I can personally vouch for the fact that he adamantly seeks God's will for decisions in our youth ministry and in our home and family life. He is far from perfect, but I watch how seriously he takes the burden of authority that is placed upon him because of his position in the church. And I watch him actually try to listen to adults and students alike when they offer him suggestions and advice. He often asks for feedback, and listens to it.(He's not perfect. We both are actually pretty bad listeners in general, but I do see him seeking to genuinely try to listen to what others say.) However, listenng is TOTALLY different than obeying, and I know he has struggled many a time with a suggestion, deciding that even though it is a good idea, it isn't what he feels is best...which is indeed his decision to make sometimes. Does this mean he didn't listen because something didn't change? No. It means he didn't obey, and according to Webster, those are two drastically different things.
I think we all (myself included) need to reevaluate our use of the word "listen" in all walks of life with all authority figures. Respect and obedience on our part are called for in Scripture. People don't always listen, especially people in authority. But when they do, let's commend them for this and realize that while they may listen, they may not obey. And if we are being respectful, this should be okay with us. :-)
Main Entry: 1lis·ten
Pronunciation: \ˈli-sən\
Function: verb
1 : to pay attention to sound
2 : to hear something with thoughtful attention : give consideration
3 : to be alert to catch an expected sound
Ah HA. Okay, so when we listen, we pay attention in a thoughtful fashion and give consideration to what is being said.
How about the word obey?
Main Entry: obey
Pronunciation: \ō-ˈbā, ə-\
Function: verb
1 : to follow the commands or guidance of
2 : to conform to or comply with
intransitive verb
: to behave obediently
Interestingly enough, I think that we often confuse these two words. And when I say "we" I definitely include myself in that group. How many times have we said of an authority figure such as a boss, a president, a parent, a teacher, etc., "He just doesn't LISTEN to me!" Goodness gracious, I know I am guilty.
However, in a conversation with Michael, I have realized that oftentimes, when we have different ideas than a person with authority over us, and we have offered those opinions and they do not change anything, we accuse the person of "not listening." I never before realized how wrong this can sometimes be. Although, granted, there are lots of examples of people in authority actually not listening, but what I'm focusing on here is when the person receiving the suggestion considers it but chooses not to obey it because it is not the best choice.
Say there is a Godly, servant-leadership, fruit-of-the-spirit-bearing senior pastor out there in the world who genuinely desires to pastor his church in the direction that God is calling him and is genuinely listening to the Holy Spirit in his call to be a pastor. Regardless of how well this man or woman follows God's lead, he or she is bound to still receive criticism from well-meaning godly people who have a difference in opinion.
Now, what often happens (in my experience...even as a teacher with my students) is that people will often offer their advice or opinions to the person in authority, in this case, the senior pastor. The senior pastor, being a gracious and Godly person, will actually LISTEN to what is being said. This means that he or she carefully considers the advice or opinion. Sometimes the best ideas can come from other people! However, if the pastor prays about this and does not feel that God is calling him or her to take this piece of advice, he or she does not change things and continues going in the direction that God is calling.
This does not always happen, but many times, this pastor (or teacher, employer, etc.) is accused of "not listening" to someone, because nothing changes.
Excuse me? I think the better way of putting it is that the pastor is not OBEYING someone's advice, which is perfectly fine if he or she does not feel that is the best choice for his church (after prayerful consideration). Think about it: if we said "oh Pastor Paul isn't OBEYING what I told him. Nothing is changing" thennnn we would sound like we thought we had the right to boss around someone in a position of authority. We would sound like the ultimate butthead. Soooo instead we accuse them of not "listening" so that they sound like the bad guy and we sound like the innocent, unheard victim.
(Please keep in mind, I am not referring to specific cases when a church board/elders or others with due cause require a change from a pastor or leader, or cases where the leadership is not honorable or sensitive to God's calling. We all know there are exceptions to everything, so don't think I'm saying it's all black and white here).
When it comes down to it (and forgive me for sounding like a crotchety old person here) but we really have a problem with RESPECTING authority nowadays. It's like, yeah, he's my pastor, she's my boss, she's my teacher, but I still should be able to change things no matter what he or she thinks.
Uh no. I don't think so. I personally think if someone is in a position of authority, there is a reason he is there. Especially, if we are talking about vocational ministry. I know that my husband is a pastor because he received a calling from God and I can personally vouch for the fact that he adamantly seeks God's will for decisions in our youth ministry and in our home and family life. He is far from perfect, but I watch how seriously he takes the burden of authority that is placed upon him because of his position in the church. And I watch him actually try to listen to adults and students alike when they offer him suggestions and advice. He often asks for feedback, and listens to it.(He's not perfect. We both are actually pretty bad listeners in general, but I do see him seeking to genuinely try to listen to what others say.) However, listenng is TOTALLY different than obeying, and I know he has struggled many a time with a suggestion, deciding that even though it is a good idea, it isn't what he feels is best...which is indeed his decision to make sometimes. Does this mean he didn't listen because something didn't change? No. It means he didn't obey, and according to Webster, those are two drastically different things.
I think we all (myself included) need to reevaluate our use of the word "listen" in all walks of life with all authority figures. Respect and obedience on our part are called for in Scripture. People don't always listen, especially people in authority. But when they do, let's commend them for this and realize that while they may listen, they may not obey. And if we are being respectful, this should be okay with us. :-)
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Success at Church, Failure at Home...way to go early church leaders!
How funny is it that John Wesley actually instructed his lay pastors that they should remain single? :-)
It's probably no secret to many of you that some very great and important people in the early church (and the current church) were awesome preachers, teachers, and evangelists but lousy and dishonorable fathers and husbands. What a comforting thought!!
I have always known this, but decided to do a little research into the subject. I was kind of disgusted by what I found--disgusted, but not too surprised.
Here's what one website had to say about John Wesley and his family life:
Anyway, the intriguing answer of one candidate was "John Wesley's family life." Then, with a straight face, he went on to discuss Wesley's family, that he and Susanna raised 19 children...and on and on. Only one problem: Susanna was John Wesley's Mother, not his wife. Unfortunately, John Wesley's own family life was not so wonderful. While he was an Anglican missionary in Georgia, he fell in love with Sophie Hopkey. She married someone else. He practically excommunicated her and was run out of the colony in despair. Then there was Grace Murray, a traveling preacher who worked with Wesley in Ireland. He thought she was ready to marry him, but Brother Charles knew better and broke it off. Then, even as he was instructing his lay preachers to remain single, he married a wealthy widow, Mrs. Mary Vazielle with one stipulation: "...if I thought I should preach one sermon or travel one mile the less on your account, my dear, as well as I love you, I would never see your face anymore." He was hardly ever at home, he continued letter-writing with other women and finally she left him. The day came when in his journal he simply recorded, "They tell me my wife died."
Does anyone else see a problem here??
How about we look at what another site says about A.W. Tozer and his work Pursuit of God:
He had few real friends... ‘friends and knowing God were incompatible in Tozer’s thinking’.
He was not perfect. Sometimes he could be caustic. He never took vacations and rarely a day off. As a father he followed uncritically his own parents’ practice: his father ran the farm and mother raised the children. Often the only way Mrs. Tozer could enjoy his company and his help was to read to him while he did the ironing! ‘Tozer saw his family as a distraction from his supreme goal of knowing God’ (p. 174). (But when after six boys their only daughter appeared, he changed those priorities a little!
Nor was he a good ‘pastor’: indeed he was something of a recluse. Hardly anyone ever came to him for counselling. The deal with his churches was that he preached and wrote for his denominational journal, and someone else did the pastoral work. There’s a charming story about his arrival back in town from conference-speaking, and his chauffeur – he didn’t own a car – told him one of the elders was in hospital. Tozer said ‘That’s not far out of our way, let’s visit him!’ When he came to the man’s bedside the poor fellow was startled. Turning to his wife he asked ‘Are you and the doctors hiding something from me? The pastor’s here: am I really that ill?’
In my immature 25-year-old housewife musings, I think it comes down to this: Wesley and Tozer were trying to figure out if their marriage and their ministry was the chicken or the egg. In other words, which came first? Personally, I think they both got it wrong because marriage IS ministry. Doesn't marriage happen because you are better together, anyways? So why not apply that to your ministry as a couple?
I'm not a marriage in ministry genius by any means, but I do think that boundaries in marriage are essential for everyone, and especially for those who are vocationally in ministry. (Some of the following thoughts come from an "encouraging leaders in ministry worksheet" that I got at LIFE and I am just expounding upon them and applying them to myself because I think we really need to take these to heart:
#1: Michael and I need to realize that really, he is working for 2 separate paychecks (and so am I). One of them is here on earth...that's the one that requires me to complete special ed. reevaluations on time and requires Michael to attend meetings, compose sermons, build teams and a youth group, and also requires real spiritual formation to take place as the result of these things. The second paycheck is our "treasures in heaven" that we are building up. That's the paycheck that comes from a life lived devoted to others and embracing the fact that sometimes healthy family boundaries must be overridden for clear Kingdom purposes.
#2: We need to realize that marriage does come first in God's economy. Check out Genesis 1 and Ephesians 5. I wish Wesley and Tozer could have grasped this concept, but I don't pretend to know everything about their lives. I just don't think, personally, that being a ministry "success" is much a of a success if your family resents you. Like I said though, I don't know everything. I'm just verbally processing here, so it is completely fine if you disagree with me.
#3: Overextention in ministry is a fact of life. And Michael and I are completely fine with that. It will beat up our marriage at times, but when that happens, we must take time to COMPENSATE for that. Sometimes, we need to ask ourselves if this particular season of ministry stress is like Elijah and the prophets of Baal. God called him there, nothing super great happened, and he was emotionally beaten down and bruised at the end...but God had called him to that mission, and so I think it was good. I am prepared for that in our lives. And I know that sometimes God does call us to overextend ourselves and override boundaries for his clear Purpose. But we have to compensate for this or Satan will destroy. My personal problem does not come with the overextending or overriding boundaries, it comes when people don't understand the times when we are compensating. When we make time for our marriage, our family, and our own individual spiritual rest and renewal.
**To be very honest and vulnerable about this particular subject, I struggle so much with guilt when it comes to my "compensation time" in ministry. After I know I have been overextended, God is usually very clear that he wants me to rest in him and his Word or spend time with my family and love my husband, because that is a calling on my life too. I try to be obedient to this, but then someone will say "you should really do this" or they have a need that just cries out to be filled and I feel SO GUILTY that I am prioritizing me and my family over someone else's needs. Guilt is a terrible motivator, and it never comes from God. I know that to be effective in ministry we must have spiritual exercise, nutrition, and rest. And when God calls me or Michael to rest and renew our strength, it is so hard because the needs and demands never go away and Satan uses guilt and criticism to draw us into something that looks good. However, when we give in to the pressure to ignore our times of compensation and rest, we are disobeying God. If you want to pray about that, for me, Amy.....I can tell you that that is probably my biggest struggle to date: giving in to guilt and my desire to please people and ignoring God. WHIIICH brings me to my last point:
#4: Probably the most obvious. DUH! Am I easily imposed upon by the unreasonable expectations of people (especially of influence)? Do I have a drive to please everyone around me....sometimes more than I strive to please God?
I shudder at my answer to this question. Because I know I strive to please people more than I strive to please God. Forgive me, Lord. And there is no excuse, but there is a reason: I often feel like God's wrath is pretty slow compared to the wrath of a congregation member on a mission. :-) It's a lot easier (for me) to deal with the emotions tied to God's impeding wrath than the emotions tied to someone telling me or my husband what to do, how to do it, and why we are completely inept in their eyes. :-)
Dear Jesus, answer my prayer. My heart and soul cry out to you. Make me a woman after YOUR own heart---not after the approval of man. Help me not to grow weary of doing good. Help Michael and I to even now begin to set boundaries that will ensure safety, happiness, and love of you for our children in the future. Help us to be sensitive to the leading of your Spirit when you call us to act and when you call us to rest. And finally, Wonderful Counselor, may your voice ring out above the crowd as the one we obey. May the people in our lives see our hearts and may we be allowed to be REAL with them about our failures without paying the price of judgement. I love our church SOOO much, God. You know that. Cornerstone Alliance has been warm and caring toward us, and I cherish the people you have placed in our lives to challenge and encourage us. Help us to always be faithful and thankful.
Your faltering daughter,
Amy
Amen.
It's probably no secret to many of you that some very great and important people in the early church (and the current church) were awesome preachers, teachers, and evangelists but lousy and dishonorable fathers and husbands. What a comforting thought!!
I have always known this, but decided to do a little research into the subject. I was kind of disgusted by what I found--disgusted, but not too surprised.
Here's what one website had to say about John Wesley and his family life:
Anyway, the intriguing answer of one candidate was "John Wesley's family life." Then, with a straight face, he went on to discuss Wesley's family, that he and Susanna raised 19 children...and on and on. Only one problem: Susanna was John Wesley's Mother, not his wife. Unfortunately, John Wesley's own family life was not so wonderful. While he was an Anglican missionary in Georgia, he fell in love with Sophie Hopkey. She married someone else. He practically excommunicated her and was run out of the colony in despair. Then there was Grace Murray, a traveling preacher who worked with Wesley in Ireland. He thought she was ready to marry him, but Brother Charles knew better and broke it off. Then, even as he was instructing his lay preachers to remain single, he married a wealthy widow, Mrs. Mary Vazielle with one stipulation: "...if I thought I should preach one sermon or travel one mile the less on your account, my dear, as well as I love you, I would never see your face anymore." He was hardly ever at home, he continued letter-writing with other women and finally she left him. The day came when in his journal he simply recorded, "They tell me my wife died."
Does anyone else see a problem here??
How about we look at what another site says about A.W. Tozer and his work Pursuit of God:
He had few real friends... ‘friends and knowing God were incompatible in Tozer’s thinking’.
He was not perfect. Sometimes he could be caustic. He never took vacations and rarely a day off. As a father he followed uncritically his own parents’ practice: his father ran the farm and mother raised the children. Often the only way Mrs. Tozer could enjoy his company and his help was to read to him while he did the ironing! ‘Tozer saw his family as a distraction from his supreme goal of knowing God’ (p. 174). (But when after six boys their only daughter appeared, he changed those priorities a little!
Nor was he a good ‘pastor’: indeed he was something of a recluse. Hardly anyone ever came to him for counselling. The deal with his churches was that he preached and wrote for his denominational journal, and someone else did the pastoral work. There’s a charming story about his arrival back in town from conference-speaking, and his chauffeur – he didn’t own a car – told him one of the elders was in hospital. Tozer said ‘That’s not far out of our way, let’s visit him!’ When he came to the man’s bedside the poor fellow was startled. Turning to his wife he asked ‘Are you and the doctors hiding something from me? The pastor’s here: am I really that ill?’
In my immature 25-year-old housewife musings, I think it comes down to this: Wesley and Tozer were trying to figure out if their marriage and their ministry was the chicken or the egg. In other words, which came first? Personally, I think they both got it wrong because marriage IS ministry. Doesn't marriage happen because you are better together, anyways? So why not apply that to your ministry as a couple?
I'm not a marriage in ministry genius by any means, but I do think that boundaries in marriage are essential for everyone, and especially for those who are vocationally in ministry. (Some of the following thoughts come from an "encouraging leaders in ministry worksheet" that I got at LIFE and I am just expounding upon them and applying them to myself because I think we really need to take these to heart:
#1: Michael and I need to realize that really, he is working for 2 separate paychecks (and so am I). One of them is here on earth...that's the one that requires me to complete special ed. reevaluations on time and requires Michael to attend meetings, compose sermons, build teams and a youth group, and also requires real spiritual formation to take place as the result of these things. The second paycheck is our "treasures in heaven" that we are building up. That's the paycheck that comes from a life lived devoted to others and embracing the fact that sometimes healthy family boundaries must be overridden for clear Kingdom purposes.
#2: We need to realize that marriage does come first in God's economy. Check out Genesis 1 and Ephesians 5. I wish Wesley and Tozer could have grasped this concept, but I don't pretend to know everything about their lives. I just don't think, personally, that being a ministry "success" is much a of a success if your family resents you. Like I said though, I don't know everything. I'm just verbally processing here, so it is completely fine if you disagree with me.
#3: Overextention in ministry is a fact of life. And Michael and I are completely fine with that. It will beat up our marriage at times, but when that happens, we must take time to COMPENSATE for that. Sometimes, we need to ask ourselves if this particular season of ministry stress is like Elijah and the prophets of Baal. God called him there, nothing super great happened, and he was emotionally beaten down and bruised at the end...but God had called him to that mission, and so I think it was good. I am prepared for that in our lives. And I know that sometimes God does call us to overextend ourselves and override boundaries for his clear Purpose. But we have to compensate for this or Satan will destroy. My personal problem does not come with the overextending or overriding boundaries, it comes when people don't understand the times when we are compensating. When we make time for our marriage, our family, and our own individual spiritual rest and renewal.
**To be very honest and vulnerable about this particular subject, I struggle so much with guilt when it comes to my "compensation time" in ministry. After I know I have been overextended, God is usually very clear that he wants me to rest in him and his Word or spend time with my family and love my husband, because that is a calling on my life too. I try to be obedient to this, but then someone will say "you should really do this" or they have a need that just cries out to be filled and I feel SO GUILTY that I am prioritizing me and my family over someone else's needs. Guilt is a terrible motivator, and it never comes from God. I know that to be effective in ministry we must have spiritual exercise, nutrition, and rest. And when God calls me or Michael to rest and renew our strength, it is so hard because the needs and demands never go away and Satan uses guilt and criticism to draw us into something that looks good. However, when we give in to the pressure to ignore our times of compensation and rest, we are disobeying God. If you want to pray about that, for me, Amy.....I can tell you that that is probably my biggest struggle to date: giving in to guilt and my desire to please people and ignoring God. WHIIICH brings me to my last point:
#4: Probably the most obvious. DUH! Am I easily imposed upon by the unreasonable expectations of people (especially of influence)? Do I have a drive to please everyone around me....sometimes more than I strive to please God?
I shudder at my answer to this question. Because I know I strive to please people more than I strive to please God. Forgive me, Lord. And there is no excuse, but there is a reason: I often feel like God's wrath is pretty slow compared to the wrath of a congregation member on a mission. :-) It's a lot easier (for me) to deal with the emotions tied to God's impeding wrath than the emotions tied to someone telling me or my husband what to do, how to do it, and why we are completely inept in their eyes. :-)
Dear Jesus, answer my prayer. My heart and soul cry out to you. Make me a woman after YOUR own heart---not after the approval of man. Help me not to grow weary of doing good. Help Michael and I to even now begin to set boundaries that will ensure safety, happiness, and love of you for our children in the future. Help us to be sensitive to the leading of your Spirit when you call us to act and when you call us to rest. And finally, Wonderful Counselor, may your voice ring out above the crowd as the one we obey. May the people in our lives see our hearts and may we be allowed to be REAL with them about our failures without paying the price of judgement. I love our church SOOO much, God. You know that. Cornerstone Alliance has been warm and caring toward us, and I cherish the people you have placed in our lives to challenge and encourage us. Help us to always be faithful and thankful.
Your faltering daughter,
Amy
Amen.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Beautiful Dust??
I have a new blog. I guess I didn't really have to tell you this because you're reading it right now. But you should know that blogging is nowhere near to being new for me. I had a LiveJournal at the start of college (give a shout out if you remember the days of LiveJournals!) Then in the middle of college I switched to Xanga and my old site is still up and running (http://iamsweetcorn.xanga.com/). Thennnn during a time in my life which I fondly refer to as the "Years of Misery" I started another, separate Xanga which chronicled my battles with an eating disorder, self-image, and a tumultuous relationship with a wonderful, Godly guy who was just not right for me because of his own secret battles. That xanga was called my CocoonedButterfly xanga because I felt like I knew I was going to be beautiful someday, but I was still in my coocoon. I remember over and over and over and over and over again during that time expressing my concern, though, that I really wasn't destined to be a butterfly, and that I was really just a moth. This blog is located at http://cocoonedbutterfly.xanga.com/ and is really painful and raw. Don't say I didn't warn you. God used this time to shape me, but I'm not sure if my heart could survive reliving those years...
Anyways, it seems like my blogs and their titles always stem from my desire to find a healthy outlet for my thoughts and feelings during trials. My "iamsweetcorn" blog was written when I was still my high school persona (my nickname when I played sports in high school was sweetcorn). My "cocoonedbutterfly" blog was written when I was trapped in trials so that I could mature and be complete...not lacking anything (Thank you James!). Soooo, why a new blog now? And why the title, "Beautiful Dust"? Well, I'm glad you asked. :-)
I just got back from chaperoning LIFE 2010 (a national youth conference for the Christian and Missionary Alliance) and there is a song that has permeated my SOUL and keeps repeating itself:
"You make beautiful things/you make beautiful things out of the dust..."
So I guess I have become beautiful dust. God was faithful to bring me through that time in the cocoon but not to become a butterfly, per se, but to become beautiful dust. That's right: I was created out of dust--we all were. And the only reason we are beautiful is because God breathed on us while we were still dust (think Genesis) and then sent Jesus to die for our sins, cover us with grace, and make us beautiful in the sight of God. So essentially, I think that being "beautiful dust" means that I always remember where I came from (dust) and that I am a new creation because of what God did. So that's where I am in life: beautiful dust.
As for the reason for a new blog? Well, I haven't journaled at all in almost 3 years, mostly because those were times of rest and unspotted joy for me. Falling in love with Michael, getting engaged, married, and beginning a honeymoon of a life together as we began doing ministry as a couple. Which I love. I love I love I love doing ministry with Michael. It is such a strong calling on both of our lives and I have no doubt we will live it out together until we are called into eternity. So get that right: I love ministry. Pure, organic, lovingGodlovingothers ministry. I want to live my life just like James 1:27. However, while ministry is what I love, there is something that I greatly dislike sometimes (though, I think that hate is too strong of a word, I considered using it....just so you know).
I strongly dislike my husband's "job".....sometimes. To tell you the truth, I probably have more times that I love and embrace being a pastor's wife and Michael's occupation. However, I have experienced more spiritual attack, more spiritual burnout, more unfair criticism, and more realization that my character is being stretched more than it has ever been stretched before. I used to be such a gracious and fruit-of-the-spirit-filled person before we got married. Now, sometimes, after the slightest "bump" from an upset congregation member or anyone else really, I erupt. Sometimes in tears, sometimes in depression, and sometimes in anger. And I'm probably focusing more on this today because Michael's job has been so demanding lately with entire weeks blocked out for trips and his schooling. We get back from LIFE (ah-mazing) Sunday at 4 a.m. and still has church and youth group that day, even though he has a fever. Then he gets a day "off" yesterday to manage phone calls from people who need him to help them through tough situations and do his homework that he couldn't do at LIFE (though he did write a 7 page paper there) and today he had a staff meeting, a youth pastors' meeting, helped move a needy family into their new house (answer to prayer) and went back to church for a VBS meeting and then a board meeting where he may or may not have things stres him out. Then he'll come home to me, the loving and understanding wife who buys him Taco Bell and listens, all the while trying not to feel bad for myself because I wanted a piece of him today too. I feel afraid to have children sometimes, afraid that we won't set boundaries strong enough for them to have parents who are there for them.Sometimes, (and only sometimes) others haven't a clue that everything suffers, sometimes, for what Michael gets "paid for." And I do feel bad for myself, but then we fall into bed and fall into prayer and feel energized with all that God is doing in the lives of people in our ministry. I was floored just today, when we helped to move a family from a shelter into a new home, and the energy and purpose God gave me during those few hours...bookended with my morning and evening periods of exhaustion and burnout. So God is stretching me and I'm learning to like these trials because I know what they will eventually produce, but I can't hold it all inside anymore; therefore, I am blogging.
I know this is the Internet and we can't just go flailing all of our personal information and anger onto a webpage whenever we get upset or have a profound moment; I get that. But that doesn't mean I have to be fake--I've never been much good at that anyways. I am going to be as real as I can on here. I'm not going to people-please or try to meet someone's unreasonable expectations that I have to be joyful and positive all the time. Because here's the reality: I am dust. Beautiful dust, but dust. Jesus offered me his scandalous grace when he saved me, and I try my best to offer that to others, so please offer me the same and just listen while God uses this blog to continue to make me new.
Anyways, it seems like my blogs and their titles always stem from my desire to find a healthy outlet for my thoughts and feelings during trials. My "iamsweetcorn" blog was written when I was still my high school persona (my nickname when I played sports in high school was sweetcorn). My "cocoonedbutterfly" blog was written when I was trapped in trials so that I could mature and be complete...not lacking anything (Thank you James!). Soooo, why a new blog now? And why the title, "Beautiful Dust"? Well, I'm glad you asked. :-)
I just got back from chaperoning LIFE 2010 (a national youth conference for the Christian and Missionary Alliance) and there is a song that has permeated my SOUL and keeps repeating itself:
"You make beautiful things/you make beautiful things out of the dust..."
So I guess I have become beautiful dust. God was faithful to bring me through that time in the cocoon but not to become a butterfly, per se, but to become beautiful dust. That's right: I was created out of dust--we all were. And the only reason we are beautiful is because God breathed on us while we were still dust (think Genesis) and then sent Jesus to die for our sins, cover us with grace, and make us beautiful in the sight of God. So essentially, I think that being "beautiful dust" means that I always remember where I came from (dust) and that I am a new creation because of what God did. So that's where I am in life: beautiful dust.
As for the reason for a new blog? Well, I haven't journaled at all in almost 3 years, mostly because those were times of rest and unspotted joy for me. Falling in love with Michael, getting engaged, married, and beginning a honeymoon of a life together as we began doing ministry as a couple. Which I love. I love I love I love doing ministry with Michael. It is such a strong calling on both of our lives and I have no doubt we will live it out together until we are called into eternity. So get that right: I love ministry. Pure, organic, lovingGodlovingothers ministry. I want to live my life just like James 1:27. However, while ministry is what I love, there is something that I greatly dislike sometimes (though, I think that hate is too strong of a word, I considered using it....just so you know).
I strongly dislike my husband's "job".....sometimes. To tell you the truth, I probably have more times that I love and embrace being a pastor's wife and Michael's occupation. However, I have experienced more spiritual attack, more spiritual burnout, more unfair criticism, and more realization that my character is being stretched more than it has ever been stretched before. I used to be such a gracious and fruit-of-the-spirit-filled person before we got married. Now, sometimes, after the slightest "bump" from an upset congregation member or anyone else really, I erupt. Sometimes in tears, sometimes in depression, and sometimes in anger. And I'm probably focusing more on this today because Michael's job has been so demanding lately with entire weeks blocked out for trips and his schooling. We get back from LIFE (ah-mazing) Sunday at 4 a.m. and still has church and youth group that day, even though he has a fever. Then he gets a day "off" yesterday to manage phone calls from people who need him to help them through tough situations and do his homework that he couldn't do at LIFE (though he did write a 7 page paper there) and today he had a staff meeting, a youth pastors' meeting, helped move a needy family into their new house (answer to prayer) and went back to church for a VBS meeting and then a board meeting where he may or may not have things stres him out. Then he'll come home to me, the loving and understanding wife who buys him Taco Bell and listens, all the while trying not to feel bad for myself because I wanted a piece of him today too. I feel afraid to have children sometimes, afraid that we won't set boundaries strong enough for them to have parents who are there for them.Sometimes, (and only sometimes) others haven't a clue that everything suffers, sometimes, for what Michael gets "paid for." And I do feel bad for myself, but then we fall into bed and fall into prayer and feel energized with all that God is doing in the lives of people in our ministry. I was floored just today, when we helped to move a family from a shelter into a new home, and the energy and purpose God gave me during those few hours...bookended with my morning and evening periods of exhaustion and burnout. So God is stretching me and I'm learning to like these trials because I know what they will eventually produce, but I can't hold it all inside anymore; therefore, I am blogging.
I know this is the Internet and we can't just go flailing all of our personal information and anger onto a webpage whenever we get upset or have a profound moment; I get that. But that doesn't mean I have to be fake--I've never been much good at that anyways. I am going to be as real as I can on here. I'm not going to people-please or try to meet someone's unreasonable expectations that I have to be joyful and positive all the time. Because here's the reality: I am dust. Beautiful dust, but dust. Jesus offered me his scandalous grace when he saved me, and I try my best to offer that to others, so please offer me the same and just listen while God uses this blog to continue to make me new.
Monday, June 14, 2010
I May Be an Overly Sensitive, Anxious, People-Pleasing Drama Queen, But I'm Not Crazy (and other inspiring thoughts from Amy)
I feel so misunderstood sometimes, but it's okay :-).
I think that everyone is a little bit crazy, like, FOR REAL crazy (cuck-oo in the head, imbalanced, bipolar, narcissistic...etc.). So this is for the general public to read, since we're all, you know...crazy. And I say this with complete sensitivity because I work with special education kids who deal with this on a day-to-day basis in the school/life environment. But just because some of us aren't diagnosed, that doesn't mean we don't exhibit very real traits of craziness every day, especially under stress and pressure. I also know that in all of the psychology classes I have taken, the professors always tell you that you are going to think that you have every disorder in the book. This is not from a psychology book though. This is just from me!
Here are my disorders in order of importance and severity:
Overly Sensitive Drama Queen
People Pleaser (Narcissistic Type...there really isn't any other kind anyways. people pleasing is always selfish)
Anxiety (Clean House Type and Appearing Happy Type)
Slight Paranoia
Not Letting Negative Comments Ever Be Forgotten-ism
There's Always A Chance I'm Either Pregnant or PMSing So I Don't Need Another Excuse For Being Mean To You Disorder
The I Don't Trust Other Women Until I Know Them Really Well Disorder
and the famous If You Unfairly Criticize Someone I Love Especially My Husband (or kids) I Will Secretly Want To Punch You In The Face Disorder
Here is my list of "medications" for my disorders:
The Blood of Jesus Christ and His More-Than-Sufficient Grace
The Truth of Scripture and "taking every thought captive" (2 Corinthians 10:5)
Other People Telling Me That They Feel The Same Way And We Are In This Boat Together
Journaling/Venting/Praying
Peanut Butter Indulgence
So there you have it. I'm not crazy. I'm just a sinner that Jesus saved with all kinds of crazy traits. But the most important thing is that I have people around me who accept me for me and we all point one another in the right direction of the Cross and keep pushing one another that way. And we help one another laugh at ourselves. No criticism, judgement, or "diagnosing" necessary. Just love, acceptance, and encouragement that sometimes comes in the form of challenging someone to toughen up and stop being so dramatic. :-)
I think that everyone is a little bit crazy, like, FOR REAL crazy (cuck-oo in the head, imbalanced, bipolar, narcissistic...etc.). So this is for the general public to read, since we're all, you know...crazy. And I say this with complete sensitivity because I work with special education kids who deal with this on a day-to-day basis in the school/life environment. But just because some of us aren't diagnosed, that doesn't mean we don't exhibit very real traits of craziness every day, especially under stress and pressure. I also know that in all of the psychology classes I have taken, the professors always tell you that you are going to think that you have every disorder in the book. This is not from a psychology book though. This is just from me!
Here are my disorders in order of importance and severity:
Overly Sensitive Drama Queen
People Pleaser (Narcissistic Type...there really isn't any other kind anyways. people pleasing is always selfish)
Anxiety (Clean House Type and Appearing Happy Type)
Slight Paranoia
Not Letting Negative Comments Ever Be Forgotten-ism
There's Always A Chance I'm Either Pregnant or PMSing So I Don't Need Another Excuse For Being Mean To You Disorder
The I Don't Trust Other Women Until I Know Them Really Well Disorder
and the famous If You Unfairly Criticize Someone I Love Especially My Husband (or kids) I Will Secretly Want To Punch You In The Face Disorder
Here is my list of "medications" for my disorders:
The Blood of Jesus Christ and His More-Than-Sufficient Grace
The Truth of Scripture and "taking every thought captive" (2 Corinthians 10:5)
Other People Telling Me That They Feel The Same Way And We Are In This Boat Together
Journaling/Venting/Praying
Peanut Butter Indulgence
So there you have it. I'm not crazy. I'm just a sinner that Jesus saved with all kinds of crazy traits. But the most important thing is that I have people around me who accept me for me and we all point one another in the right direction of the Cross and keep pushing one another that way. And we help one another laugh at ourselves. No criticism, judgement, or "diagnosing" necessary. Just love, acceptance, and encouragement that sometimes comes in the form of challenging someone to toughen up and stop being so dramatic. :-)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)