So I'm a firm believer that we shouldn't put exactly how we really feel on facebook as a facebook status. Maybe some people would disagree with me, but I think it just causes drama and can be kind of narcissitic, in a "I feel like crap so let's see who comments to make me feel better" kind of way. But in this blog, I promised to be as real as I can be without being specific. What's more than that, I NEED to be real somewhere where at least some people can see how I really feel. And since waaaaaaaaaaaaay fewer people read this than read my facebook, my prayer is that it won't cause any kind of cyber upheave.
I am flipping miserable. I have been flipping misrable for months now. I am disapponited with everything important in my life...my marriage, ministry, prayer, and God (which is a book I have sitting on my bookshelf)My husband may be feeling okay, but he's used to ministry, he's better at conflict, and he's better at separating people's perceptions from actual reality. I, however, am not. I know that in 50 years I am going to be a well-seasoned, wise, discerning, gracious and fruit-of-the-spirit overflowing pastor's wife. But I pretty much suck in that area right now.
I am sick of dissention. When I have had conflicts with people in the past few years, I have gone to that person and talked to him or her about it. This is the biblical way to approach conflict. And usually, things have been solved from there. But what do you do when other people don't handle their conflict that way? Do you know how much that hurts?
I keep saying I am ready for Jesus to come home. One of my good friends asked me and Michael if we would be interested in skydiving. We can't go, but I honestly can tell you that I probably wouldn't be too afraid to jump out of that plane. If my chute didn't open, I would welcome eternity with God. I am so sick of living this life where the negative almost completely blots out the good. Now now, I'm not suicidal. Please understand me. I'm just ready to be with God and away from all sin, including my own. I am drowning. Some days I come up for air, and some days I don't. Sometimes it's my own fault, and sometimes it's not.
I just don't feel like fighting this fight anymore. I feel like God has given me and Michael peace about our ministry and God's direction is clear, but the fight is still so hard.
What I want, is to be like Moses. I'm praying for my face to shine. Right after Moses' people got done rebelling against him, Moses mosied on up to that mountain, and God blessed him with his presence in such a spectacular way that when he came back down, his face was SHINING.
I do not feel that way. I want to, and I am trusting God to reveal himself, but for now, there is still darkness everywhere and I just want to give up on the fight. This is just me, Amy, being very real. Hold your judgement, release your prayers.
On the lighter side, this video made me laugh and cry, because it is the funny, shallow, "theres-a-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel" version of how Michael and I feel right now:
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