Okay, so I said I'd write more about my last post when I have time. Well, I have time now, on a snowy Saturday morning...all drinkin' my coffee while Michael reads one of his theology books. This entry is not going to be very cohesive, because I have lots of things to say. :) Just a warning.
Anyways, in regards to the baby that Michael and I lost last December, it was a sad, sad, sad thing. The doctor reminded me that it was nothing that I did that caused this...that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriages for natural reasons, and he assured me that everything else looks great and we can try again as soon as we feel ready. The way I mourned this baby was so strange; at the time of the miscarriage, all that I really could focus on was the physical pain, which was terrible. (Some ladies at work told me that their miscarriages were more painful than their childbirths.) This makes me feel like a tough cookie. Anyways, I was more interested in the whole process of things at the time. Usually, when babies are lost in the first trimester (when most miscarriages happen) it is because something just didn't "line up right" with the chromosomes, and I find it neat that God has built our bodies to detect something like that, just like I find it neat that a woman's body is programmed to know how to grow a baby in the first place. I know that sounds SO strange that I was marvelling at my miscarriage, but I was. Just like I will marvel some day when I have a child. I feel like, even though this was such a sad disappointment, it was very much evidence that, even physiologically, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I hope that doesn't sound too crass or hardened,given that I just lost a little life that was half of me, because a child who develops and is born, healthy or disabled,is made in the image of God and is beautiful. But our bodies are so amazing sometimes. And in a way, a lot of the peace I felt after this miscarriage was because I felt "protected" by this filter God so neatly designed. Once again, I hope that doesn't sound too hard or callous; I wanted to share it because marvelling at this whole process opened me up even more to the idea that, in a very real way, God allows us pain because he loves us. And in this, I found peace and still find peace when I tear up thinking about my perfect little one in heaven, which happens out-of-the blue, sometimes often, sometimes interspersed between days or even weeks. I felt depressed, but I never felt devastated. I have peace.
Then, two days ago, I went to a memorial service at my church for a girl at church who lost her baby at 35 weeks due to a sudden umbilical cord problem. I don't know what the purpose of her pain is and I think we are all asking God, "why?" This situation can't be neatly processed and I can't come up with a neat little explanation like I can with mine. My miscarriage feels "right." But hers, I think it will always feel "wrong." It seems like so much more of an injustice and I am struggling with more questions about why she lost her baby than why I lost mine. Yet, God is good. I don't think there is any other way to live life except for in that knowledge.
In fact, the morning after I had heard the knews of her losing her little girl, I woke up and the sun was FINALLY shining after a week of gray...and I was overwhelmed with God's goodness. In fact, my facebook status that morning ('cause we all know that our lives can be pretty much summed up in our facebook statuses...or not) said something along the lines of,
"is amazed when the sun comes up in the morning, that the world keeps on spinning, whether there is sadness or rejoicing the day before; life goes on, and it has to be lived in the knowledge that God is good. There is no other way."
And I think this is what I have learned from this whole experience of losing a baby, even if that baby was only the size of a gummy bear and probably never had a heart beat--or, if like my friend's little girl, the baby was healthy and whole and could have survived in the world if not for one horrible incident: God is good. And his goodness doesn't change because we start seeing him as "not good." His peace, which covers me and her and victims of tragedy far worse is amazing in the fact that is truly does pass understanding. When those who have every right to be angry and restless feel peace in peace-less circumstances, it is one of the truest testimonies of God's goodness. Thank you, babies in heaven, for helping to teach this to me. <3
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